May 8, 2017
At what point does hope become delusion ? That is a question I've been thinking about a lot over the past few weeks. I consider myself an optimistic person.
I'm realistic and cautious, but to keep my own sanity I have to hold onto a certain level of optimism. What good is it to carry around the weight and misery of pessimism ?
But I can't help but wonder if sometimes the majority of us back here aren't delusional when it comes to our ultimate fates. Imagine this scenario: there's a crack in the Hoover dam. At some point it is going to give, but if you can just hold it long enough to get fix you might have a chance to keep the dam from breaking and sweeping you away in a flash flood. The rational part of your brain is telling you "Dude...you're just a single person. Your hand is not going to hold that water back.
Better grab a canoe and get ready !" But then another part of your brain is like "Don't listen to him ! People have done supernatural shit before. There's always a chance !"
So here's the situation at hand...We're on death row and the Hoover dam is about to burst. What do we do ? I've been thinking about it because several of people I consider friends back here are close to or are about to receive executions dates. One of them says he's very much at peace with the situation and "whatever is going to happen will happen".
The zen approach, I guess. Another is absolutely delusional in what he thinks he will accomplish in 90 days to prevent his demise.
There's hope and then there's looney tune level hope and that is what he has. I tend to say to myself "Man, better face reality real soon cause shit is real around here".
I've even half rolled my eyes when people believe that God is personally going to intervene in their execution.
But am I any different ? When I first got to death row I remember my first day in the day room at recreation. I was still trying to process everything that happened in my trial, and just the very idea of being on death row when I didn't even kill anyone. It was a total mind fuck and I thought "they're not going to kill me...they can't !" So, here I am a stranger in a strange land walking around the day room when a guy comes to his door and strikes up a conversation. He says "you're that Texas seven guy they just sent here yesterday, right ?" I said yeah, my name is Randy. "You think you can win your appeals ?" Yeah. I do. They really fucked me over.
"Dude, somebody has to be the voice of fuckin' reason here so I guess I have that duty. You're gonna die. They are gonna kill your ass dead.
" I really didn't know what to say after that. He didn't say it with malice, just matter of factly.
I shrugged my shoulders and said "Yeah. Maybe. I hope not, though".
I've read a lot of historical books on World War II and a common philosophy amongst soldiers was everyone else around them might die, but they weren't.
Everyone BELIEVED they were the one the bullets would miss. It reminds me of the scene in the movie Saving Private Ryan as the U.S. troops are storming the beaches of Normandy and bullets are flying around everywhere. Absolute chaos. One soldier takes a direct hit on his helmet, it jars him and then in complete disbelief takes his helmet off to see where it bounced off and then kind of smirk like "I guess I'm gonna live through this shit..." Only to take another bullet right through his skull, dropping dead.
I do know this...if I'm lucky enough to take a direct hit on my helmet, I ain't taking the bastard off ! I really want to live and I shoudn't roll my eyes when there are others around me who want the same thing. Maybe I'm sitting here thinking, instead of thinking THAT person is delusional, I should sincerely encourage them and keep telling them to fight. Because you know what ? That is what I'm going to do.
So, it's Monday morning and I'm waiting to see a close friend whom I haven't seen in a while. I would've gone to recreation but they had me scheduled for 5th round and as much as I dislike being stuck in the cell all day long, I really don't like going to recreation in the evening. All I want is mail and then get to bed.
I decided that I'd go on jump in the shower so I exercised for thirty minutes, got my shower and now I'm waiting on my visit.
It looks like it is going to be a really nice day.
May 2, 2017
Have you ever had a full nights sleep, I mean really slept hard...and wake up still exhausted and cranky ?
Maybe it is too much exercise as I've been working out like a mad man to relieve stress and take out my frustrations...I don't know. I just felt so blah this morning.
I'm actually starting to feel a bit better as the day goes on, but a little upset that I seem to be getting screwed out of getting outside.
I'm trying to put it into perspective and be grateful that last week I was fortunate enough to get outside five days in a row, but still...I'm looking outside of my window and at this beautiful sunny day, magpies picking around in the grass, butterflies everywhere and all these little black love bugs literally making love mid flight and thinking damn...
I NEED to be outside ! Sigh...
So...I want to get something off my chest for any new readers to my journals...It seems like one of the first things people seem to read about me when they research me is this cursed article from D-
Maybe I was a little naive and talked much too freely to someone I loved back then, but geeze, who doesn't ?
So take it with a grain of salt and read the many years of these journals to get a clearer picture of who I am, not what they say I am or try to frame me to be.
That being said, I also find it a constant frustration that people still think I'm married. To be fair, how would they know, right ? But...for the record:
I've been divorced and have had NOTHING to do with my ex for almost six years. get the word out ! I'm just saying.
It is very frustrating. I wish that damn article would just disappear.
It has been the bane of my existence.
Whew. Got that off of my chest !
I finished reading a so-
I'm ready for this week to be over...
May 1, 2017
May 1st...wow...time really does fly. I woke up at about 5:15 a.m. and got ready for recreation when it dawned on me that we're five freakin' months into the new year.
Moving much too fast.
Last week I was able to get outside five days in a row which is a rarity. Most weeks you're lucky to get out twice but for whatever reason I had the good fortune of getting lots of sun. Only on one of those days did we get a bit of rain and that was actually a pretty amazing experience because it had been bright and sunny.
Suddenly clouds appeared out of nowhere and they were really dark. The wind picked up shortly after.
It began to feel very apocalyptic.
Thunder, lightning, wind...
When it rained it came down hard but while it was cold rain it smelled delightful and about ten minutes later a few clouds cleared out and the sun broke through as it rained.
The drops looked like diamonds falling from the sky. Really remarkable. Then it went back to being sunny and warm.
On Friday I went out and it was hot and humid. I ended up on playing 60 games of basketball with one of the best guys to play the game and got my butt handed to me soundly with a 58-
On the weekend I just listened to my radio all day long and read. Not much excitement there.
Lately I've had little to say...I'm hoping to find some inspiration again soon...
April 24, 2017
Today is one of those weird days. I'm not really depressed, but I'm not exactly bouncing off the walls with energy and excitement.
I feel like I'm sort of existing and that is it.
I hate when I feel this way. Like something in my life is missing and I'm not exactly sure what it is.
And believe me, it isn't Jesus before someone mumbles it to their computer screen (that joke never gets old !).
No, it isn't that. I just feel...so distant from everything. Like I'm operating in another galaxy.
Superficially I have my needs taken care of, I suppose.
It isn't for a lack of anything materially.
It isn't even being stuck in a cell 22 hours out of the day, though it could be a miniscule part of it...
I just need something...here.
I'm also feeling trapped in a sense and I have NO clue where that feeling is coming from or what it even means.
In a way I feel like an automaton and I'm just operating on some pre programmed route in my life, going through the motions.
Today I feel like I'm pretending. Yeah, that is the feeling. I'm pretending to be "alive".
It comes and goes and I'm not sure what could make it just go away, but at least I can acknowledge it.