Randy Halprin

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Randys Poems

(by Randy Halprin)
Dying inside
But a smile on the out
Pretending to be what I'm not.
My happiness a frown away
I can't quite figure out
what this all means.
But I know I'm not the child I used to be
I shall forever age
Forever fear to die alone
All these wasted years –
just to die alone.

(by Randy Halprin)
Here I am, a child again
Full of promise, but nowhere to begin.
Broken teeth, and broken dreams
Here I am, a child again.
Daddy says he loves me
Mommy says she cares
They break my heart with abandonment
They fill me with despair.
Why do I remember eating off a floor
Why do I remember being twisted and torn?
My brother only an infant
But I’d protect him forever
I’d protect him in an instant
(Where are you dear brother?)
Oh, we were so young-
Life’s barely begun
Look at me now,
Just look at me now
Wondering how...
When youth had so much promise
When the world seemed to give
Now I’ve been swallowed-no more room to begin
So I disappear-fallen into despair
Sink swallow and swim
Back in the womb, back into the depths
To face my only fear
Yeah, I’m a child again.

I’m a child again.

(by Randy Halprin)
I saw sunshine slipping through the cracks
I saw sunshine slipping through the seams
In a dark room I share with only ghosts and nightmares and memories
This ray of light came shining down on me.

(by Randy Halprin)
Is there such thing as silence
When all we hear and see is violence
The world going off like one big atom bomb
And the night shocked into screams that rip apart the stars

Aren't we tired yet?
How can it be so easy to forget
The pain of all the children?
I'm so sick of violence

For once can't we have just one day of silence?
No more wars
No hate
No executions
For them to repay

Blood for blood
What about love
It's a dream that seems so far away

(by Randy Halprin)
It's hard to understand,
I'll admit it myself
How one man makes such bad mistakes
How one man kills himself.

But even if I try to explain,
All the things that go 'round my brain
And all the thoughts that run away…

It's hard to really say,
That really I'm just running away
From fears that have controlled me
All of my Life.

You'll never understand.
Don't think you'll ever see
That even though I mess up,
I'm really just trying to be
The best person that I can be.

And even when I mess up,
No matter how much I fess up,
You'll never really believe me.

Why do I try?
Why do I fight?
Why do I hang on to this life
If you feel I have no right.

What's the point?
It's the difference between black and white.
Nothing I ever say or do will ever make it right.
You'll never understand,
When I say that I am sorry,
How sincere I truly am.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
Can you see your face reflected in my eyes?
Because I can see my tears falling in your eyes.
You know I always stood by your side.
I never thought I'd stand here listening to our love cry.
I gave my all to be your one.
I sacrificed lives and came undone.
Can you see the face you said you loved?
Or am I the person you have abandoned.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
Just like a ghost;
My soul is stranded somewhere between heaven and hell.
Screaming in pain,
For things unchanged,
I'm still in chains to the fears I have.
Just like a ghost,
I can't let go,
Of what's really no longer mine.
My body.
My spirit.
My heart.
My mind.

(by Randy Halprin)
It' Christmas again
And here I wait still,
Facing the end to another long year.

When all is calm,
But all is not still
When the night is broken
by cold sweat and chills.

No eggnog to drink
No blinking bright lights
No twinkling white snow
No turkey or ham
Or Christmas television shows

No Stalkings to hang
No fire place to watch
No Santa Claus
No candy canes

No gifts to swap
It's Christmas again.
And so I pray,
That next year's not the end
And I should live to see the next day.

Where's the snow?
Where's the love?
Where's the lights?
Where's the hope?

It comes and goes.
On Death Row.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
They put concrete shoes on me.
They threw me into the sea.
With chains wrapped around me,
Squeezing so tight I could barely breathe.
(As I was sinking down, I knew I'd probably drown. There'd be no one around and I wouldn't be found. Water would fill up my lungs and I would try to scream: My life had barely begun!)
But at the last moment,
Something pulled me up.
Gave me hope

Only to later let me go.
And so

I did end up drowning anyways.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
Mother, what could it be?
What could it be that made you turn your back on me?
Father, what did I say?
What did I say to make you turn away?
I was your son.
I was the one -
You chose.
Picked me out of a million,
Like a fish in a barrel full of expectations I could never meet.
I know I strayed and even betrayed.
I chose to go my own way.
What can I say -
Other than you had an obligation to remain my parents.
The betrayed became the betrayer.
Betrayal of betrayals.
And for what?

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I'm not one to boast or gloat,
But had it not been for me,
You'd still be staying home.
You'd be afraid to go outside,
To do the things you now do in life.
I did everything I could to make you smile.
Made you feel special,
and beautiful inside.
And who, may I ask,
Will carry that torch?
Who will make you feel,
like the best on earth?
Who will tell you the things that I did?
Treat you in the ways that I did?
Make you feel as beautiful as I did?
Incase you haven't figured it out.
Incase you haven't tried.
By the way:
I'm one of a kind.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
Crashing cars
And passing trains.
Shooting stars
Forgotten names.
They fanned the fires
And danced away.
Their deadly dance
Oh sufferers of pain.
With covered ears
Blind folded eyes.
Adorned in tears
That hypnotized.
They danced away
Into the night.
Muffled screams
Of the children's plight.
So dream away,
You forgotten ones.
Dream away
Maybe change will come.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I want an ending like a movie.
Happy and moving.
As the credits roll by,
There'll be tears in their eyes

Not a dry face in the room.
They'll all applaud and come back to watch
Because who needs reincarnation,
when you're a memory in someone's mind?
I'll be like a DVD or a song stuck on repeat.
They'll all have smiles,
In my Hollywood ending.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
As I look at your photograph,
Sitting here on my desk,
It's new year's eve and I long for your kiss.
Your big brown eyes,
Your gorgeous lips,
Your big wide smile

I long for your kiss.
You've made me smile,
You've brought me hope.
When I think of you,
I know I can cope (with all of my troubles).
I always contemplate forever,
I think of us together,
Because in our love I believe.
In our love I have faith.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
It's hard to understand, why there's so much animosity between you and I.
It's so loud, we can't even hear the screaming trees.
Cut down to their knees.
Because you and me,
We can never see -
Eye to eye.
Why, oh why?
Why can't we see eye to eye?

(by Randy E. Halprin)
We may be apart.
Separated by steel,
And miles.
But never at heart .
A silver cord keeps us tethered.
Keeps us together

Across miles and miles.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
It was snowing,
The wind was blowing.
I was frozen to the bone.
Walking around cold,
Walking around alone

Just a walkman in my hand,
playing music only my soul could understand.
(And even though I was lost to the world, I always hoped the sun would come out and melt all of this snow away.)
Frozen Tundra,
I was going under.
I was drowning under ice.
My body was cold
I never felt more alone

The walkman slipping from my grip,
music slowing my soul to a drip.
(And even though I was gone to the world, I always hoped the sun would come out and melt all of this ice away.)

(by Randy E. Halprin)
What's your problem?
What's the deal?
I lifted your spirits,
I helped you heal.
I gave you support.
Helped you build.
Your self esteem,
And your own will.
I never really asked for much in return.
Except loyalty,
And friendship

Instead I burn.
I've been cast aside,
While you have your fun.
I've been left to die,
While you run.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
You flushed it down the shitter.
You gave up a little too soon.
And now there's no room

For an excuse.
I guess you can say I'm a bit bitter.
Because you gave up too soon.
Reflected on our doom

You said I was your excuse.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I fell hard.
I fell from the stars.
Landing right on my face.
Expanding time and space.
With a bleeding nose,
I speak only in prose.
You'd never guess -
That is unless
You're an alien like me.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
Last night as I went to bed,
And slipped off into sleep.
I dreamt of two souls,
Walking a beach.
I could hear their laughter.
I could see the glow of their heads.
They were holding each other.
Tight in their arms.
Kissing each other,
Under the stars

But then I woke up.
I realized I was all alone.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
My eyes.
My pride.
Swallowed deeply inside.
My life I tried.
I was swallowed alive.
I can't say I was surprised.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I might as well have cancer -
5 to 6 years to live.
My terminal illness,
It takes more than it gives.
Yeah, you can take my life;
You can take my heart,
And take my love.
My terminal illness -
Only so long to go.
What's life without hope?
What's life without the person, you truly love?
I'm shackled to a mistake,
My Death sentence will come.
My terminal illness...
When can I go home?

(by Randy E. Halprin)
Was it lust or love?
did it come from deep below,
Or from high above?
Which way did it go?
Was our head on straight,
Or crooked like a wayward arrow -
Missing our hearts, but piercing our hands?
Bleeding our souls into a draining pan.
I didn't want to keep the wound clean.
Pestering me more like an itch I couldn't scratch.
Trust me,
I don't want it back.
I need you like I need a heart attack.
But you know me...
I'm a pain freak.
So go get the defibulator.
Just in case.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I hear people talk about God in weirs ways.
"He sent that hurricane to punish the gays!"
But mother nature,
She don't discriminate -
A mudslide,
A pandemic,
An earthquake.
No, mother nature does things her own way.
I hear people shout:
"Oh, it's because of the sin!"
But mother nature,
She just grins.
"Those pesky humans don't know what they're thinkin'",
Because when she hits
Everyone's on her shit list.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
In the morning dew,
I can see you.
Dripping with sunshine,
On your leaves.
Beaded pearls rolling off of your petals.
You are mine,
Sparkling and pure.
You drip like tears to the grass.
I will enter you soon,
As only soul mates could,
My beautiful soul.
Let me pollinate you.
In the morning dew.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
You spill it out.
You sing and shout.
You let it pour out of your filthy mouth.
I've got some dial soap, if you need it.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
It's your fault if I

Yeah, it's been on my mind.
To reach for that crutch again,
Bleed until I die again.
It's your fault if I

Yeah, it's on my mind.
To end it all,
And fly.
Because I gave you my breath.
Pledged all I had.
You messed up my head.
And left me for dead.
So, yeah, it's your fault.
No matter what you think.
If I decide to leave,
Or take this last drink.
It's your fault if I

(by Randy E. Halprin)
Yeah, I knew.
It would end this way.
And so I'm blue.
The sky is grey.
And our love has been washed away.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
The Leviathan swallows me inside.
Now I know what it feels like,
To be hurt by someone else's lies.
Maybe if I knew, -
How deep this pain would be,
I'd never have told a single lie in my past...
Because this hurt is much too deep.
I didn't think lies had such sharp teeth.
And now...
I'm in the corridor.
The belly of the beast.
This leviathan.
This lie.
These lies are killing me.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
Where are you now?
I can't figure it out.
You changed.
You grew,
And flew.
At first I was proud,
That you had broken from your cocoon.
But the butterfly I knew,
Has flown away.
The butterfly I loved,
is not the same.
Mi linda mariposa has gone astray,
and left me with the shell she was yesterday.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
One nation,
In disguise.
One nation,
Liberty and lies.
My lady,
She has blinded eyes.
Her green dress flows,
As the hard wind blows,
And those with hard ones,
Want to rip off her clothes.
Beat and bruise.
Do as we say,
Not as we do.
But if we are truly free -
And "freedom" is the world's destiny.
Why do we abuse Democracy?
Like liberty is someone to be whored out.
As she screams and shouts.
Falling death upon some of our ears.
'Cause when those towers fell,
Silently the world stood still.
The gates of hell were opened,
Like a chasm of chaos in our hearts.
Two hundred years of progress,
Took five hundred years backwards -
Into the dark.
Then suddenly we felt we had the right.
To attack other nations like a thief in the night.
To force our culture,
Our ways,
On those, who have been brought up in thousands of years of what they believe.
The toil,
For their oil.
The children screamed,
"Why are those planes bombing me?"
While back at the ranch,
The Figure Head,
The God Head,
(Who talks to God himself...)
Says, "This is to protect our right to be free!"
"Free?" My lady screamed.
You can spy on me.
Take my rights from me.
And somehow I'm supposed to believe,
This is how the world should be?
Liberty, she cries, "They're raping me! They're killing my children!"
And we...
We just turn on our T.V.s and rub our fattened bellies and say, "Boy, isn't freedom great?"

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I'm vulnerable right now.
And you've figured out how.
To take advantage of my kindness.
I'm bendable right now.
And you've found a way how.
To take advantage of my heart.
To stop before you start.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I sit here with a hole in my chest.
Slightly lost,
Slightly depressed.
I can't seem to get you off of my mind.
As I look at the red glowing numbers on my clock,
In the dark,
I only wish I had more time.
Because what once was,
Is no longer mine.
I only wish I had more time...

(by Randy E. Halprin)
Black Bile.
I can't smile.
Not even for a short while.
I feel miles away from reality -
Or whatever that is.
I've been disillusioned,
By the illusion of peace.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I told you not to let go of me.
I told you that I was made of porcelain.

It hurts to be a million shattered pieces on the floor.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
There you were,
The woman of my dreams.
Impossible to touch.
Impossible it seemed.
Your gorgeous eyes.
Your gorgeous smile.
Impossible to look at you,
For only a short while.
I miss you telling me, "I love you, Baby".
I miss you saying, "I love your eyes, Randy".
Impossible as it seemed,
I could never truly give up on the dream.
But now all I can do is scream...
Because I've lost you forever,
Or so it seems.
I miss you in a hundred thousand different ways.
I pray to win you back,
Because I feel nothing's impossible,

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I've never felt these feelings.
These feelings deep inside.
But they came pouring out in oceans.
Oceans I have cried.
And I feel like I am drowning,
Getting pulled in by the tide.
A sea of my emotions,
That I could no longer hide.
And so these tears wash over me.
Pouring out my fears.
I'd never felt these feelings.
Now exposed by three failed years.
(Of Love)

(by Randy E. Halprin)
(This song I can't even remember the first verse, but the music is still in my head and half the lyrics. It was written the summer of '95, music and lyrics solely by-compose on my keyboard, before I pawned it. I can't even remember the title to the song.)
First verse unknown...
But you just sit and stare across the room,
Thinking of things I've done.
Waiting for some one to comfort you.
Losing hope you start to run.
From the lies I told you,
And the games that I played,
And those fake summer smiles,
On those cold winter days.
Oh, please understand,
what I say now, is true:
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I didn't mean to make you cry.
I didn't mean to say those things to you.
Didn't mean to say good bye...

(by Randy E. Halprin)
You hold my situation against me.
Even though I tried to warn you,
What would happen all along.
Yeah, I told you what would happen eventually.
So you go out and forget me.
You forget me on new years eve.
Did you think I wouldn't see what was happening?
I could hear the cord snap.
Feel our love shatter.
I had so much faith.
I was willing to climb the ladder.
My faith was shattered.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
So many tears,
We lost our life.
So many years,
We have sacrificed.
Just to feel true joy.
When we looked into each others eyes.
And now I really can't figure out how.
- Or why...
You ran away without saying goodbye.
Oh why?
Why must so much pain fall from my eyes?
I admit I was surprised.
Please tell me why.
What have we sacrificed?
Just so you can have your own life.
(But what about mine?)

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I've been wandering.
I've been wandering for days and days.
How do I zone out like this?
Go on trips like this?
Disappear inside my head.
Losing total control of the world around me -
Almost like spelunking,
Lost in a deep dark cave.
I gave and gave...
Everything I had to the point of nearly going mad.

(by Randy Halprin)
There's always a blame when it comes to you There's always a game that I can see right through Straight to the truth
when it comes to what's still there between me and you
But I'll always be the fault in your truth

Am I what's wrong with the sun
Am I what's wrong with the world
what's wrong when it comes to love
between a boy and a girl
Am I what's wrong with your tongue
when the cats dragged me in
the fault in your stars
and the world you live in

There's always a shame when it comes to you Regret hate blame
That I can see right through
and between me and you
The truth will always be there
Three little words that we act aren't there

" Craters On The Moon "

I stepped out into the night
Found a spot on the grass
I wanted to watch the tire flie
and count the stars in the sky
started at the moon and swore I saw your face
started at the moon and felt completely out of place
and I counted all the lines cracks and crevices
I traced them all with my finger
just like I used to to with you
wasting time,
counting craters on the moon

(by Randy E. Halprin)

(by Randy E. Halprin)
Cindy has a secret machine
that feeds her dreams and hides her screams.
She's had a secret thought.
that long she's fought.
To be more like her machine.
To grow metallic wings -
And fly away to the stars.
Her pain is real
Alone inside.
No place to call home,
Her parents died.
No one understands her.
They call her strange.
Except her secret machine.
Together they play.
Human hands in metal grip.
They walk,
They jump,
They sing,
And skip...

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I wish I was indestuctable.
I wish nothing in this world could
Hurt me.
I wish I was invincible.
Then your sharp edge words could never
Slice apart
My heart.
You would never be able to
The Way you Do.

(by Randy Halprin)
You lool in the mirror
Who really cares what you have to say
Or the songs that you sing
Or the ways that you play
You say you have a story to tell
But godbless you for trying anyway
And if your heart is a break
that that makes me sick
To the stomach
Yeah, the image staring back
Makes me sick
Because who cares anywaAbout what you say
About the songs you sing
And the ways that you play
Should´t you be tired of yourself
I know that I am
Am I just talking to myself
Staring back at myself
I´m so sick of me
I´m so sick of myself

(by Randy Halprin)
This is my dance song.
This is my goodbye so long.
This is the fuck you I've been wanting to give you- For so long.
As I dance my way out-
As I sing jump skip and shout.
Yeah, I finally figured it out.
This is my last kiss. This is my last wish.  I'm starting over.  Starting anew.
giving my heart to someone else other than you.
AS I dance my way out.
As I sing jump scream and shout...
I can finally say fuck off. I'm better off without you.  yeah, I finally figured out how...
I finally figured it out.

(by Randy Halprin)
I'm only empty because of you
I'm feeling incomplete since we've been through
pour it down pour it down pour it down
All over me. and suffocate 'these feelings
Drown me drown me drown me
Please make it easier for me to sleep...
( Unfinished )

" Unfinished "
I want to be new again
I do't want to be born again
Just whole again
Just a new pretend
And if we are the stories we are told
then really I'll never be new
I'll always be old

" Unfinished "
Peeling skin again
I try to touch your face again

" Unfinished "
The distant voices fill the air
Like ghosts trapped in atmosphere

(by Randy Halprin)
Sometimes I sture directly in the sun
Then I close my eyes and all I can
See are two glowing orbs.
I´m imagine they are her eyes
A constant light
Staring back at me:
Beautiful and bright
And while I know eventually
the sun will leave me blind
At least I will always be able to see her eyes
Even after she´s long gone

(by Randy Halprin)
Two and half years later and
I´m right back at where I started
Unable to get your voice out of my
Mind or your face or your laugh
The stomp of your feet
And  all of your mimicry
Sometimes the memoiries are like
A sledge hammer to my head
And to my heart I´m running out of
Please to start
And...weren´t supposed to soar
Not fall? And...wasn´t supposed to be
the Answer to it all?
And...I can´t seem to let it go
And... I don´t ever want to lose hold
And...even if there´s no hope
I don´t ever want to let it go

(by Randy Halprin)
I had dreams...
For days you'd swim with me.  
Dipping in the sweet water,  
Bathing in the clouds and light.  
But now nothing seems right.
I'm fighting monsters,
And canon fodder.
Your words exploding like a thousand suns.  
I realize that I'm not the one.
What can save me anyways?  
Let it down.
Let it down.
Let your hair down again.  
Let me drown.
Let me drown.
Let me swim with you again.  
Chase the masters away.
Take me to that happy place.
I want to love again.
No more monsters
No more men
I need to be with you again

(by Randy Halprin)
The scent of summer rain moves in
Another day awaits but I wish it would end  I'm tired of the song sung by birds
Carried in the wind
Wish the sun would fade away and never rise again

And I watch as the rain pours down  
Drowning out my feelings
Muzzled by the sound of thunder  
Lightning wind rain and pain  
I'm tired of the summer song
I pray for fall again
I want to fall again
I want to fall again
 Like leaves carried by autumn`s wind
I want to fall again

(by Randy Halprin)
Get out of my mind  
 Get out of my dreams  
You don't belong
You lost that right to me
Get out of my heart  
Get out of my head
You know it was your fault
So don't try to pretend
( We're standing on the fault line..cracked wide open...you have the blame  you know it's not mine. We're standing on the fault line...ripped the world  in two....Carry your shame...I gave you every thing I had...
Don't try to call  my name)

(by Randy Halprin)
Standing on the edge
Forced to face myself again  
I drop to my knees and beg  
To some unseen force again

And into the void I call  
I call for you
And into the void I cry  
I cry for you
Where do I look
What will I find
I just want to start all over
Want this to all end
Hit the reset button
Start all over again

Show me your face
Tell me you're real
Not just some figment or my imagination
Are you even real?
I feel like I'm playing a game of hide and seek

And into void I call
And into the chasm I fall  
Forced to face myself again
Forced to face the end  
All alone
In the cold
like a wolf lost in the wilderness
I howl into the void  
For you
Only for you

(by Randy Halprin)
Eyes wide open
As the light pours in
Bathing me in morning light
Have to face the day again  
And what revelation will it bring?
What new song will I sing?
Will I give into the pain burried deep inside  
or will I put on my happy face
And try to hide

Eyes wide open
And so I pray  
For peace within my soul
strength to face a new day
So many faces for me to wear
Like picking out clbthing
Why do I even care
Who I impress
Or what I share?

And so I wake and face the day  
Turn my head up
Begin to pray
With eyes wide open
I'm here to stay

(by Randy E. Halprin)
I'm tired.
I'm tired of broken promises.
I'm tired of being pushed aside.
Tired of having my heart trampled upon.
I'm tired of being torn up.
Beaten and bruised.
I'm tired of you giving up,
Only to come back running.
I'm so tired

So, I'll rest my head tonight,
And pray to God that I will never wake up.
Because to be honest,
I really need some sleep.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
Looking back at all this
Trying to find what I had missed
Was it something you said that made me wish  that I was dead
" We didn't fall too far away"
You seemed to always says
But what is far when you're ten thousand miles In outer space?

You're just a castaway to me  
Another fish in the goddamn sea  
just a castaway to me
Why can't you see?

Something in my head
Twisting, turning, seeing red  
Burning in my bed
What could it be?
Casting stones and casting blame
Always up to your same old games  
I'm tired of the fucking shame  
When I did nothing wrong

You're just a castaway to me she said,
Another fish, another bed  
Just a castaway to me...  
Yeah, I guess it figures  
I said

(by Randy Halprin)
My last new years eve,
My last new years free.
It was 1996.
I was in a motel.
We were all drunk.
I remember frolicking on the floor.
What was the song we played for the year?
I think it was "These are the days"
By 10,000 maniacs.
But that's long past.
How on earth do I remember this crap?

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