As a child I would always have the same reocurring dream. For years I would
try to figure out what it meant. Why was it so intentionally violent and scary? Most nightmares gave a slight thrill. I would wake up; sweaty and heart pounding -
"whoa.. .That was cool!" and hope to have a nightmare again. But not the dream of the alligator. Never the alligator.
In this dream I'm always the same age; about three or four years old. My parents tell me that we're going to go and visit an alligator farm to which I get really excited about.
We get into a large tan automobile, me in the back seat. I watch as the scenery swooshes by blurry and colorless. What feels like a few minutes pass we pull into a swampy marsh. The colors of the ground and trees are a muted green and there are weeping willow trees all around me, their limbs tummbling into the marsh. A few yards ahead is a crowd of people. They are standing on the banks of what appears to be a small pond and a man shouts, " Who wants to the see the alligator?" People shout and clap and my
biological father heists me onto his shoulders so that I can see above the crowd. " But wait" The man barks,"
We have nothing to feed this beast! If it is hungry it could very well eat us all!" The crowd murmers and a few people back away from the pond. Suddenly someone calls out "What about the boy on the mans shoulders?" People turn and look at me. I'm confused. They can't they WOULDN't offer a little kid up as a meal'. Hands pull me down and I begin to kick and scream. No no no no. My mother grabs my arms and my father my feet and then
begin to swing me back and forth. The crowd parts and the
water stirs when a huge alligator like something out of a horror movie snaps it's jaws hungrily. I'm swinging swinging swinging and then let go to fly through the air faling falling falling into the jaws of the alligator.
I've thought about this dream and it's meaning and the only plausible explanation is my constant fear of dying alone; of being abandoned by all Who claim to love me.