I finally have a brief moment to decompress and do something else other than legal work. Not that my mind is actually on anything else. It´s pretty much sonsumed every tought of my life over the past five days. it´s been insane what is going on and I feel like I´m in this perpetual state of panic. Not easy when I´m so freaking neurotic as it is...
But here´s what I´ve done thus far: I spent the day typing a motion (with the help of Rob Will -
I´m not going to lie...this is a very humbling experience. It force me to look at life and death in a way that I haven´t really been forced to (concerning my own sense of self) over the past 13 or so years. It´r terrifying. Thatrealization that death is potentially right around the corner. Yeah, there´s more urgency and purpose in my life but it makes me think of death in ways I haven´t had to. I can say it is something I´m ready to accept. Not by a long shot.
I´m a person who believes that you can find a nugget or grain of wisdom in anything if you´re open the wisdom that lies underneath even the most basic of things and last night I read something that quite literally blew me away. I was trying to clear my head and escape reality. I always read in the evenning and I just didn´t feel like reading anything heavy. I´ve been reading a non-
One of the woman who voices a character writes about her how she got inside the psyche of , rei, a young girl who shows a little emotion of the surface. She wasn´t sure how to approach her emotionally. But what she wrote in her process is very deep. She says, What exactly is an „emotion" to me? Why and how do they happen for me? Where do my own feelings come from...Because I was sure of one thing at least, even if that thing was this vague idea: expression isn´t emotion. Emotions, rather, are sometimes something hidden deep inside the heart. The mind may not even be aware of them and also, the mind may not even want to know. The subconscious has something deeper beneath it-
Drain it, draw your feeling out. And of course this my be painful. But otherwise, who are you?
This is the different between what you say and what you feel. What you say might sound more noble, more socially acceptable, so you try to convince yourself it´s also what you feel. And if it isn´t-
The important thing is to realize how you trily feel and to accept it as a legitimate of who you are. I´m not saying this search of yourself is risk-
You may even find the block is something more familiar, that it didn´t lie nearly as deep as you feared. As you gain experience seeing into yourself you´ll be surprised how your path seems to open up before you. All the things that seemed so frustrating will begin to untangle....Megumi Hayashibara
Wow...That is pretty deep stuff to come from a comic book.
I think I´ll close with this, something also taken from Evangelition
„even on a black and empty street...if we go together...we night one day find something...like the moon that floats in the darkness"
As I'm writing this I'm eating a stale
( but somehow still delicious)peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and waiting on my cell to be searched because they are finally on C-
8 days and I'm hoping that it will soon be over. We were supposed to be searched last week and we even went through the whole process of packing our stuff
up and waiting but then for whatever reason ( read: LAZINESS) they said for us to stand down and it would probably be sometime the following week. You know, I was thinking if these tea party conservatives really wanted to be in a tizzy about something and actually save the state of Texas money instead of cutting educational and infrastructure budgets they could do a complete overhaul of the state's prison system. I'm serious. I'm not just syaing it because I'm a prisoner. More money gets wasted-
limb and say that on this unit alone-
on items that you could buy from Home Depot or Lowes ( construction supply companies) for a fraction of the cost. But even worse and it happens on this unit as well, is that instead of doing 'general maintenance' or preventitive care they'd rather just let something break down completely and replace a whole part or unit costing hundred of dollars more. About the only thing they save money on is labor and contracting fees. So.. .where are ye tea party???
Okay, okay, rant andt)rumble over.. .for now:)
So, the past week I've pretty much been working on legal stuff. At this point I've pretty much done all I can do and now it is seeing if any of my efforts will pay off. I do have to say that I could've done none of this without the help of a couple of friends who have been such true blessing and I'm BEYOND GRATEFUL for their help. You know who you are so THANK YOU. For the love,for the concern, for the support. The fight is far from over and while mentally/ emotionally it is exhausting' i I mean, really soul draining exhuasting, I'm
not a quitter and so I continue to fight. I have to or else I will surely be swallowed alive.
I recently wrote a friend that all of this going on with my legal stuff has really forced me to look at my life in a way I haven't given much thought
to in awhile. The past few years I've had so many distractions; legal bullshit, failed marriage and unwanted drama, gaining friends, losing friends. It has
all gone by so freaking fast that much of it feels like it happened yesterday. I mean, losing my wife STILL feels like it happened only hours ago and not three years. Recently my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and has
been in and out of jail which has occupied many of my thoughts with worry and concern...But then the recent issues with my federal appeal and being
so close to death ( But really aren't we all? NO ONE on this planet is guaranteed one single second, it just isn't at the front of our minds on a daily basis)
that I've kind of been forced to look inward again. It is a bit disorienting because while I know WHO I am and I've always been a bit obsessed with controlling my narrative and what people think of me I still have very few answers to anything. I know 'jack. Do any of us really? I mean, moralists, philosophers psychologists etc. think on these things but there are never any clear cut answers. I guess we just take the information that we do have and try to not make the same mistakes and hopefully have a value for others and ourselves. I do know that we also tend to make opinions of others based on very little information. Why do we do that? We don't look at the cause and the effect
just the effect. We are judged by the effect. Good/bad/evil..black and white. What about the huge swath of grey area inbetween. It is easier to label than to face a particular issue head on. But my innerself? I know the essence
of me. I believe myself to be a good person and that most of my choices and actions are done well intentioned but when I do fuck up, I fuck up on a biblical scale and I still don't understand it all. I just want to leave this world
at peace.. .to fill the void in me.
There is a program that I want to shbre with everyone that I really hope you'll take the time out and listen to. Generally, if there's no good movie for me
to listen to on the weekend I'll go to NPR ( National Public Radio ) and listen to their afternoon block of programs that are story oriented. One of those
that is science based called Radio Lab.. .seriously, if you are a teacher this program should be a teaching tool because it is done very comprehensible and
just s000 cool. There's nothing like it all. Anyways, I listened to a a particular show this past saturday that had me in TEARS. It was done so beautifully and
I can't do it any justice by trying to decribe it. Apparently there is a short documentary film that goes along with it but the audio version is good enough. check out: radiolab.org/23 weeks
I highly recommend listening to their other shows as well. It seriously is the coolest crap you'll ever hear.
Also for your musical consideration.. .my favorite songs that are currently playing: "Fall In Love "-
" Wait For You" = Kings Of Leon
" fever " -
And admittedly that new Beyonce/JayZ song that goes " Outlaw chick blah
( Don't know the lyrics really don't care, I just 'love the production/melody because it feels like it belongs din the BO's on an episode of Miami Vice.
I feel like I'm Don Jiihnson, white suit, pink shirt cruising down the interstate in a sting ray convertable... So sue me.)
Huh.. .looks like the day is going to be exceptionally long.. .We were just told that night shift will probably shake us down. STOP THE MADNESS!!!
So I closed yesterday waiting for our shake down as we were told to get ready. At about two o' clock in the afternoon they gave us these red crates, that size-
to the crates as a means to allow us to pack Our own things and decide for ourselves what we want to keep or allow them to take. Of course that doesn't mean they WON'T take things just because they can ( more on THAT hit in a second!)... Well, I don't know where they store these crates but I'm pretty sure right next to the horses in a barn. The crate they gave me smelled of horse dookie and I noticed the smell as soon as they slid the crate to my
cell door. I honestly thought it was one of the guards and made a crass comment about how we can't get showers regulary and people choose not to shower (
I thought it was funny anyways:)) So, I let the guards put the hand cuffs on me and then the door opened, they slid the crate in and my senses were assaulted.. .1 said, " Jesus! Did they let a horse take a steaming crap in
this crate?" I was immediately transported back to the days at school in Kentucky when I was given a school suspension for swinging out the window of the dorm
in an attempt to play a practical joke. It all came to a crashing end when
my friends brother was dropped two stories to the ground. Ugh. For the record I did not drop him. A guy we called 'Muffalo' did. But I digress.. .1 was suspended to the farm so I knew this smell all too well. Something like that never really leaves you. It lies dormant in your nostrils so that the painful
childhood memories of farm crap can haunt you for the rest of your life. Thanks 0.B.I!
Anyways, so I asked the guards if I could swap crates and I was told , " Oh, don't worry about it. They're gonna shake you guys down here in a bit. You'll be okay." Grumble grumble grumble...I wiped the crate down the best I could and started packing my stuff. One hour passed. Two hours passed.. .Then it came to second shift and we were all told " Hey! We're gonna get you guys
tomorrow!" WTF!?! Well, no one was happy to say the least because they pulled this stunt on us last week.. .Then, to add insult to injury a cold front came and boy did it ever get cold that night! Most of us had our clothes packed away in the crates! I tried to sleep last night but tossed and turned.
Morning came and I woke up at about 5:30 A.M. I slammed a cold cup of coffee and waited for the shakedown guards to arrive.
They finished e-
my dumb ass fault for being too lazy to put my name and number on a thousand envelopes. Yeah, I have nothing but time in my cell but do you realize how freakin' tedious it is to have to mia0110 your name on a thousand things? Most guards don't even care! I mean, they belong to me. It's not like I can sneak off into another persons cell and still their stuff! I cleaned my cell, washed the floor and walls to get the smell of horse ,-
HAHAHAHA...okay, I'm laughing my ass off right now. Imagine this: Prison bars, clanging and doors slamming in the echoing distance. Tough looking guards
and scary looking inmates and then...what is that I hear in the distance? What could possibly break through the image of a scene out of Silence Of The
Lambs? Someone singing..." Let it go!" hahaha. My god I have tears in my eyes! Like, some dude has seriously gone all broadway in their cell listening to that song on the radio ( which admittedly, is a good song. The bpening music sounds a bit Tori Amos to me.. .damn you Disney!) and I can see them in my minds eye, arms out stretched and just letting it go. What a bizarr° world
I live in.
on a serious not, I want to close with something someone recently sent me and I found very profound and deep..." Imagine there is a bank account that credits you with $86,400.00 each morning. It carries no balance from day to day. Every evening the bank deletes whatever part remains that you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent of course. Each of us has such a bank. Its name is time. Every morning it credits you
with 86,400,00 seconds. Every night it writes it off as lost, whatever of this
you have failed to invest in a good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposit the
loss is yours. There is no drawing against tomorrow. You must live in the present on todays deposit. The clock is running. Make the most of today.