Another day in paradise...if paradise really means hell. Oh well. I'm trying to find motivation today. I actually started the day off motivated but the further it goes the less motivated I seem. Amazing how a place like this zaps all of the energy from you, even if your intentions when you begin the day are to get things done.
Last week I received the reply to my grievance on the recreation schedule and it essentially was a non-
A funny thing happened last week. The officer whom told me he responded to the grievance was pulling me out for recreation on Friday. On the way to the day room he says "Halprin, what kind of job did you have out there in the world ?" I was like, "Uhhh. Subway ? Sandwich artist. And I worked at a place called Steak Fest for a bit. Why ?"
"Oh. I don't know. I thought maybe you were doing something for a business or something. You just seem like a guy who's got it all figured out."
I laughed and said "Dude, I've been locked up since I was 18 years old and I assure you I don't have it all figured out. I have almost nothing figured out. Maybe I just fake it really well."
"Nah, what I mean is you just seem smart."
"Yeah, I'm a smart guy who has done really really dumb things. I wasted my parents private school money."
I just thought the interaction was funny because I had no idea where it came from. Really ? A businessman...me ?
Here's a thought I had the other day...I was bored and listening to a pop station and I was thinking about the state of mainstream music and awful, really awful it is. I mean, sure, there are some songs that make you nod your head and dig inside of your brain and stay on a loop, but most of mainstream music is written/produced by about 5 people. This is most of the music you hear ! It is insane. But something that irritates me more than anything is how some of these pop stations take an otherwise good song, say like something like Adele and put an EDM beat to it. I love electronic music. I mean, I was on the ground floor with new wave/industrial/techno in my teens. But that doesn't mean you can take a song like "Hello" and put a dance beat to it. It doesn't work. It is horrible. Or, how a lot of songs that would be otherwise good have like this agressive "WHAT ! WHAT ! WHAT ! WHAT!" in the back ground...Please, corporate music companies, stop doing this to music ! You make me want to stick pencils in my ears. And I hope I don't sound like an old dude who laments "the good ol' days of music". I like new music, but I expect a higher quality, I guess.
I don't think I've mentioned the great razor shortage of 2016 that TDCJ is having.
It seems whomever orders supplies for the entire system has made one of the great blunders of the 21st century.
It is a bit crazy because the 20 years that I've almost been incarcerated if one thing the prison enforced more than anything else was shaving.
But now everyone is running around with beards and not just for religious purposes.
Right now I have about a week worth of growth on my face and my head and man...not only do I look about fifteen years older than I am, but my stuff is grey...in fact, one of the mailroom ladies said this morning "Halprin, you look old !" and I have a young face !
Word is that they'll have razors again on the 19th of February. I'll look like a hairy Bozo the clown by then.
Well, it is another sunny day and while the morning was cool it is starting to warm up.
We had recreation today so I got up early, went to rec. at about 6 in the morning, jogged and did some leg exercises, came back in and immediately jumped into the shower which is rare, but I'm glad I got all of that out of the way because today is all about the Classic Club Hour...
The station it comes on is having a fund drive and during that the DJ will do a two hour block. Can't wait to shake my groove thing.
Today is the New Hampshire primary and I eager to see if Bernie Sanders win.
I'm hoping so because he practically tied with Hillary Clinton in Iowa.
I think that the more wins he can rack up, the more Black Democrats will learn about him and hopefully go for him.
Right now, Hillary is the most popular amongst African American voters and the media is pretty much handing the south to her, but honestly, I think black people are more aligned with Bernie Sanders policies than with Hillary.
They just don't know about him. Also, back in the 60's Bernie was in the trenches during the civil rights movement.
He was there and put his own blood, sweat and tears to fight for equality.
A lot of people don't know this about him, but neither is he the kind of guy to boast about all of that.
He's very modest and sincere. I may piss some Hillary supporters off, but she's a politician and will say/do anything to get elected.
Would I support her if she gets the party nomination ? Sure. I would throw it all in, but Hillary is a moderate at best, in my opinion.
Not a true blue progressive liberal like Sanders is.
And now that the Bern is resonating with his progressive message, especially amongst young voters and millennials, Hillary is being forced to use phrases like "progressive" and "universal health care", when before she wasn't.
In fact, she said she didn't want to take up the universal health care fight with congress because she didn't believe it could win.
And she may be right, but consider what happens if she doesn't fight: The Obama care program will be dismantled by the republicans.
I think a lot of the disappointment with liberals in Obama is that it seemed he didn't fight HARD ENOUGH.
They want someone who is going to at least try. When Hillary says it isn't a battle worth fighting for...she loses progressives.
Also, in 2000 she said that the death penalty had her "unenthusiastic support". Unenthusiastic ?!
And it isn't just that...she just doesn't sound sincere or authentic.
I don't discredit her work and record.
But people want to know that you truly take serious their plights.
I suppose I will have more on the subject at a later time. But right now, I'm feeling the BERN.
Today would've been the most awesome pre-
In fact, I was scheduled for 2nd round which would've been nice, but it wasn't to be.
Apparently a riot broke out on 8 building which shut everything down. 8 building is what is refered to as close custody.
It's youngsters, primarily gang members who have limited privileges but are not yet Ad-
I used to work that building on the Conally Unit and I hated it. Now, why this incident affected death row is anyone's guess.
Probably just an excuse not to do recreation.
I also have an ant infestation in winter. They're coming from the foundation.
I did my best to seal the holes/cracks and so far so good but last night some had made it to my bed.
I pull the blanket up, put my ear plugs in and I think I felt something crawl on my thigh.
I scratched at it but figuring it was a phantom crawler I settled back in to go to sleep when I felt a sharp bite on, of all places...wait for it...my balls !
I threw the covers back, pulled my boxer shorts down and there, as if it was king of the mountain(s) was a little red ant.
I looked at my bed...ANTS EVERYWHERE. I was not happy ! I got everything under control though and the boys seem to be okay. Whew.
It's evening now and I'm just waiting on mail and then I'm going to bed.
What is that Elvis song that goes "In the cold Kentucky rain..." ?
I hear on the radio every now and then it makes me think of Kentucky. I miss Kentucky.
I'm actually writing about some of my "adventures" of Kentucky for my memoir right now.
I just wrote a chapter on a place called Tolly Ho.
I had some crazy stuff happen there.
Anyways, I'm rambling. Take care people.
I'm trapped in Kentucky right now.
I've been writing my memoir and such a huge part of my life happened in Kentucky...When I'm writing it is like I'm there -
I also think it is very funny that most of my time in Kentucky was spent wishing I was back home in Texas and now it's like, I want to go back to Kentucky !
Life manages to force things into perspective.
Nostalgia makes us long for even the worst of times. Life...
But the good news is that I am hard at work and another thing I realized as a writer is how little discipline in the craft I have. Haha.
I love writing and painting pictures with words.
I've always been able to write, but I also don't like spending hours at a time over a piece of paper or typewriter writing.
I'm too restless and my mind wanders too much.
Zero discipline. I get bored easily. I also question myself a lot. Like, did I write that paragraph good enough ?
Why did I write that sentence like that ? Will people even find this stuff interesting ? It isn't the same as blog or journal writing.
When I do that I'm just writing. I don't bother correcting much or changing things. I'm writing as it is. I'm putting it all on paper and I'm done with it.
Heaven help my friends who help edit/manage this crap that is before your eyes !
Speaking of...I was informed that I've reached over 500 followers of my journals and that kind of blows my mind and I couldn't be more grateful of those whom take a few moments out of their day to see whatever I'm posting. I don't do it for popularity or to have a "fan club". I don't do it for any real attention.
I mean sure, would I like to see an end to the death penalty and an end to the use of "law of parties" in sentencing people to death or even lengthy sentences.
Sure. But my real goal is two folds:
one, to put my thoughts and feelings out into the open instead of keeping it all bottled up and help me work through things on an emotional / psychological level...
And also try to humanize the experiences of people on death row. If I do that and it touches people, well then it is an awesome feeling.
I want people to know and understand that many of us are just as normal as anyone else.
THANK YOU :-
Holy crap !!! Oh man...this is freaking huge and late breaking news...I don't even know how to process it right now. Justice Anton Scalia has passed away. God rest his soul. Truly. But to pass at a time when so many social issues are literally hanging in the balance -
Topic change ! I will add this, we sure do know how to pick them in Texas, though. In fact, there's a woman running for the Texas State School Board right now named Mary Lou Bruner and she's a real doozy...She's on record saying Obama is a closet muslim homosexual (isn't that like well, never mind) that standard testing for schools is a communist plot, evolution is a tenant of the religion of atheism and Obama's political agenda is taken straight from the playbook of Joseph Stalin. Texas, y'all !
So, recently some guys had a National Geographic denied by the mail room for being "sexually explicit". I didn't know that NG had gone all porn but apparently be TDCJ's decency standards good solid educational material is all bow chicka wow wow, now. Who would've thought. I've railed on this issue before because it is ridiculous that as a grown ass man I can't even get comics that are geared for mature audiences and God forbid their be like some cartoon boobies or sex. I assure you I'm not wackin' my willy to comics. It just sucks because we're regulated to PG-
Anyways...The weather here is astounding. Spring like in the middle of February. I can't believe it. And it is supposed to last as the rest of the country is being pummelled by the B movie of the week the Polar Vortex. Suck it, PV, bring on the spring.
Something a guy never gets used to on Death Row is when a guy who lives on the same section as you goes to Death Watch.
It usually happens like this: two guards show up out of the blue at some random time during the day.
They say: "Leave all of your property where it is, strip out and hand us whatever clothing you want to take to A-
We'll pack your things for you, take them to the x-
They don't have to say you just received an execution date or that you're going to Death Watch. You just know.
Everyone on your section knows and there's a reverent silence as the guards stand there strip searching whomever it may be.
Thoughts of your own mortality began to fog your mind.
Some get scared. Others say: "That is fucked up", in disbelief.
We all deal with it in our own way.
And so it was with a guy today.
As they took him out he wished us all well and told us to keep our heads up.
He looked a bit shell shocked as he only received the news from his attorneys via a letter earlier this morning.
My neighbor and I had a conversation at how messed up it was because Monday was a federal holiday meaning that the letter sent to him was sitting there since Friday, at the very least. His attorneys probably mailed it to him last Wednesday and so for almost a week, maybe longer, people have known he had an execution date and he knew nothing.
I thought it was pretty shitty that his attorneys couldn't visit him or at least give him a phone call.
Instead he had to find out in an indirect and impersonal manner.
These are matters of life and death and unless you live a thousand miles away you don't send a letter that says
"Hey, just thought you should know...you're about to die in three months.
Sorry, we did the best we could". What BS...
I think about how impersonal our justice system really is.
We don't see an individual, only a crime.
From the prosecutors to the jurors...they don't view in terms of human being.
That isn't to take away from the crime itself or the victim(s), but how can any society expect any kind of change in their criminal justice system when we only see victim vs. monster ?
Where is the human element in all of this ?
I had a whole bunch of other stuff to write about but seeing a guy walked off to his impending doom kind of stole the wind from my sails.
Yesterday was one of those reflective days that I spent thinking about life and death.
It started the evening before, after Gus Garcia's execution.
I didn't really know the guy on any personal level, but seeing his interactions amongst other people, he was quiet, personable and never got in trouble.
When I see things like that I wonder how can this person be a "continuing threat" to society ?
At some point people are going to have to start to reevaluate that phrase, or test to the jurors who sentence people to death...
After learning of the execution on the news at about 6:55 p.m.
I picked up a book a friend had sent me called "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi.
He was a neurosurgeon who died of lung cancer.
The book is a rumination of life and death and honestly, it was...deep, thought provoking and heartbreaking.
I began to read it and didn't stop until I finished.
There were a few things in it that forced me to reevaluate the way I see some things in life, but it was also easy to apply his own struggle with life and death to mine.
I mean, here I am sitting on death row essentially (if the state has its way) waiting to die.
It is a sort of terminal cancer.
A particular passage of the book he says this:
"Most lives are lived with passivity toward death -
I wrestle with the angel every single day trying to figure out what this is all about.
Why am I going through this particular journey ? Okay, we all die. It is a fact that no one on this planet can escape.
But what do we take from that ?
He also wrote "Life wasn't about avoiding suffering".
So, what then, do we gain from the suffering and if life isn't suffering, why do we try so hard to avoid or deny it ?
What does my own suffering mean ? But...most importantly "Seeing death as an imposing itinerant visitor but knowing that even if I'm dying, I am still living" and THAT is the most important thing in my current predicament.
I can drop my head and say "Fuck it, I give up. I'm going to die anyways. What does it matter ?" Or, I can live and make the best out of a bad situation.
I think from this moment and forward to whenever we die we do our best to make life meaningful.
We do our best to be kind to one another and leave this world in good hands because the world is only ever be as good as we make it.
Anyways, there are other things to think about from the book.
So, right now there's a bit of shenanigans going on B-
Now, there are two trains of thoughts here: some guys feel like they deserve to get treated the way they are because they're acting like animals.
Meaning they keep pulling their dicks out on every female guard that passes by.
The other line of thinking is well, as messed up as that is, it doesn't warrant the kind of treatment the guards are doing to them. Meaning, starving them and denying access to food and water. I am in that camp. Isolate them, lock them down, give them sack lunches...I'm okay with that, but not using starvation as a method of control.
Apparently those guys were placed on Ad-
Interestingly enough, that riot was started when a black dude was masturbating in the dayroom.
A mexican guy knocked him out and other black dudes jumped on the mexican guy which kicked off a massive fight amongst the blacks and the mexicans.
They put all of the black guys on B-
Me and a few others caught wind of the starvation tactic when some guards were bragging about "jacking" their meals. They thought it was funny.
Me and my friend Big Will said something to the effect of "Hey, no matter what they're doing, don't take their food.
You have things you CAN do such as place a blanket over their door, write disciplinary cases, etc. but you CAN'T take their food".
They claimed the order came from ranking officers and I personally said "Guess what dude, ranking officers cannot enforce orders that go against human rights or your conscience. There was a little thing called Nazi Germany and guess what they did to the officers who said they were just following orders ?
They got hanged. An inmate shouldn't have to distinguish right from wrong to a guard..."
We'll see how this develops.
Now I'm going to get back to working on my book. Later, y'all.
As I type this it is early Tuesday morning. Rain is sputtering against my window and after a couple of really humid and muggy days, it feels cool in here.
So strange that the weather in Texas has pretty much skipped winter and gone straight into spring.
I wanted to get outside with my friend Irving today -
He's one of the only few people I can get to actually exercise with me. Well, half exercise.
The dude is amazing at yoga but has zero wind for cardio, but he tries...But since the outside rec. yards are shut down, I'll be going inside instead.
It has been a relatively calm morning. Maybe it is the weather.
I heard from one of the guards that those Ad-
We shall see. They've kind of messed up the vibe of the whole pod, but only illustrates the point that I try to make when you deprive people of certain stimulations...
It is as if they devolve back to animals.
No books, no radio, no magazines to look at.
All there is left to do is lose your ever loving mind or act like idiots and scream out of your cell door all day long.
It isn't just that isolating human beings is bad, it is also the fact that these humans have zero support.
Nothing to keep their minds occupied.
In a lot of ways it isn't completely fair that guys on Death Row get a majority of support because, let's be honest, a lot of it is out of sympathy and pity.
Please don't misunderstand me or interpret that support as being ungrateful.
It is just that the mentality of a lot of people is "Okay, these guys are going to die...let's give them as comfortable of a life possible before they die".
Whereas, say a guy who robs a store, gets life in prison and then lands himself in Ad-
It is more like "Well, he should've behaved".
The point is a human being whether on Death Row or in Ad-
They need the encouragement and support as well. If only to keep them from losing their collective minds.
I don't think people can really grasp how isolating prison can be.
Yes, there is the public mindset of "Well, it's prison...they are there to be punished".
But at what cost ? At what cost to society ? And besides, is it ethical or moral to turn your backs on those whom are incarcerated.
People are there for ugly things. I was there for a very ugly thing. But I was also very much human.
There are those who wanted to change. To do better. To be better.
But the system in Texas, as it is now, is not geared to help you be better. It is designed for one singular purpose: PUNISHMENT.
But how can you expect people to strive for goodness if you punish without guidance.
Example: what is more effective, sticking a kid in the corner for 30 minutes and then letting him go back to do whatever he was doing or putting him in the corner, explaining why it happened and then saying "but this is how you can prevent it from happening again".
Texas doesn't operate like that. They claim to have programs in place, they claim to even have "good time" but it is a facade.
What good is "good time" when you end up having more days built up than your actual sentence.
You spend your days in prison busting your ass working -
"Well, you just haven't been punished enough. So sorry".
Or, say you do have a lengthy sentence and trying to get into school for them to only say
"Yeah, you want to get an education but I'm sorry you just have too much time"
"Your sentence is too short for us to invest any program on you. Good luck out there !"
And WTF is up with states locking up teenagers FOR LIFE without even attempting to rehabilitate them ?
My point is this: Texas has created its own monster and has done little to stop it.
Family and friends is also crucial for survival in prison. I had neither when I was in General Population. I'm fortunate that I have some wonderful friends in my life now that I consider family.
They are family for me but I never felt more alone in my life than the five plus years I was in General Population.
Hopelessness, isolation, despair...it's a bad combination. As much as an introvert I am, I still like having people to laugh with, share life with.
To have hopes and dreams with.
It is the experience of being a normal human being.
How can you expect someone to act normal if they aren't treated normal ?!
Something else I wish and people have commented on is within the reform movement and the anti death penalty movement, there just aren't enough men involved.
People need to do a better job of bringing guys into the fold.
I'd love to see a crop of dudes pop up on the Facebook page.
I'd like to see more men reach out to guys in prison or on Death Row.
There just aren't enough and I don't think there's anything emasculating about that.
People see a bunch of women on an individual page and they immediately judge or he must think he is a playboy or look at all of these women this guy writes, which isn't even remotely true...I know 1 % of the people on here (the FB page) and NONE of it is romantic...
I'm grateful for ALL OF YOU but let's get more men actively engaged !
Well, I didn't expect today's journal to be a long-
I need to get ready for recreation and eat some lunch.
I'll be headed out 3rd round. I might write some more later.
Sunday morning and it is a bit on the nippy side. But spring is definitely in the air.
Sunlight pouring through my window as I sit here listening to a new sci-
It's produced by one of the creators of "Lost" so I had to give it a try and so far so good.
Another good program I've gotten into is "Lucifer"...but it really isn't what you'd think with that title.
Based on one of Neil Gaiman's (an excellent writer of the novels "Neverwhere" and "American Gods" and various graphic novels) characters in his graphic novel series "Sandman"...Anyways, Lucifer has abandoned hell and is roaming earth and the longer he spends on earth the more "human" he becomes. It's pretty funny.
So, last week I was moved to a cell on the opposite side of the pod (B-
There's a sidewalk and building behind me that leads to the inmate side of visitation so I can see guys coming and going all day long.
But the greatest part of the view is cat watching.
Because there is a generator on a concrete pad directly in front of me I can watch them laying in the sun on the pad. There are three cats that "live" there.
Two greyish colored cats and one bright orange cat with real tiny ears.
Without a doubt the orange cat is running things because whenever he pops up they back away.
The two grey cats get along but you can tell it is not something they particulary like.
In fact, one of the grey cats got too close to the other and the cat hit him upside the head about five times with his paw like "back the eff up beeyotch !
You be encroaching all up in my business..." Which then lead to an awkward stare off between the two.
I swear, I could watch those fellas for hours. It is nice to be able to watch nature.
Besides liking this cell and location, I'm on the same row as one of my closest friends back here, Big Will...He's been really depressed over some personal things that have recently happened and I've been trying to lift his spirits, but we got into a conversation about friends on the outside and people who write and things that irk us, which is really two things: people who write with a lack of commitment.
Meaning, those who pop in our lives and then just disappear without any real reason or explanation.
The other thing is when you are close to someone and they get upset at you for reasons beyond your control and then refuse to discuss those things with you.
What then happens is the prisoner gets worried, stresses out and doesn't know what to think because issues take weeks sometimes to hash themselves out because we don't have a direct link to the outside in real time.
Things move at the pace of the mail room and postal service. Contrary to popular belief, Death Row and Ad-
Instead, we're trapped in a cell all day long with no outlet, no means of really solving a problem.
When communication is key, communication is limited and therefore if your conversation and communication isn't strong in letters it can lead to a break down between you and the friend, lover -
If a problem arises, at least try to discuss the problem.
Don't immediately assume things or make accusations without first giving the other person a chance at an explanation or a chance to defend themselves.
The person on the outside is at an advantage because they can go about their life and bury themselves in distractions.
We don't have that luxury and problems are only magnified in our cells. Keep in mind, any problem large or small is enhanced BY THE ENVIRONMENT we live in ten fold.
A book or a radio is not going to offer up a suitable distraction. This is why it is so important for communication.
And if you're going to disappear, at least HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY GOODBYE !
But life goes on and Big Will will get over whatever he's going through in time.
It just sucks to be in that situation as I've been there before.