I've been here for 12 years now and I've seen or been exposed to enough executions to drive a person insane. A friend of mine seems to think we all suffer from some form of PTSD back here, and I don't know if that is true or not. I mean, feel fine at times, but then I've never been in another environment to see how I react to certain stimuli. Outside of the obvious effects of solitary confinement and my own personal disorders-
Disbelief, grief and shock= even when it is expected to happen.
I was sitting in the dayroom after exercising, just collecting my thoughts and zoning out when the guards came for Perry William. I've know him for years. I don't know what he did, I don't care what he did. All I know is him back here and he was a good dude. I've seen his family come for years to visit him, I've helped him when he needed it and he's helped me when I've needed.
We've played basketball together, listened to movies on our radio together
( well he was in the cell next to me and we'd discuss it )...
When they got him and took him away I didn't know what to say other than the standard,
" Keep your head up."
But then it hit me as he exited the door and I just blurted out " I hate this fucking place.
" I do. I hate it. I hate that as human beings we still think this is the only way to solve something. It isn´t , about punishment or justice. That is just bullshit to make ourselves feel better. It is pure vengeance and there's no way around it. After thousands of years of social evolution and we still act like fucking cavemen.
Something told me to get out of bed early this morning. The guards usually begin setting up the days recreation schedule about 5:20 A.M. in the morning.
When the guard asked me if I was going and I said yes, she said it would be 4th round which would have put me out waaaay late in the afternoon. I force myself to go but believe me when I say that 4th round is about the most boring horrible time to go. It boarders on shift, change, dinner shows up, then you
get stuck out and get a really late shower if you don't end up getting screwed out of shower. I laid in bed a little bit longer and then thought, wait!
Someone is bound to VR at the last minute and mybe I can slide in the spot. I jumped up, slammed a cup of coffee and brushed my teeth. Well, someone didn´t VR, but instead jacked the run and said he wanted to go to F-
Regardless, that left the opening and I jumped all over it. I hollared at the guard and said
"Hey, if it is open I´m ready right now!"
It was cool, quiet and I knew I´d be able to work out with little distraction for that two hour period. Screw waiting all day for reaction!
Well, it won´t be long until death watch is filled up. They´re issuing execution dates like goverment cheese. On KPFT news they were talking about harris County (Houston Area) and it´s trend of not executiing anyone and i thought someone must not have gotten the memo in their news department that the majority of guys waiting on dates are from HARRIS COUNTY...
Like six or seven dudes...
Sure, the trend as a whole on death row is indeed less death sentences but Texas is setting a pace to hit a high and it is Greg Abotts first year as Governor.
I really can´t wait until the mexicans take over. I´m not saying that tongue in cheek either...the less crazed white/right wing republicans we run out of this state is the day Texas will be a better state in general.
It has been so freaking hot... Yes, we have some air that is blowing from the vents in our cells but for the most part as soon as it reaches the open spaces it disappates and you end up aisweaty mess. Thank god for the inventions of fans! Texas heat has never been kind.
I wish I could say that I've been up to a, lot, but I haven't. I'm in one of those weird head spaces where I'm not miserable or depressed, but neither am I just all happy-
What I really wish I had is photos from my childhood...that would be the best thing ever. My brother, whom is in treatment right now mentioned in a letter that he's going to ask my parents for them...
The thing with that is, they've not talked to me in 18 years now and I hope they don't give him any resistance in handing them to him. But it would mean the world to me. I had my old years books for awhile and certain circumstances caused me to lose them about 41/2 years ago. What was great about showing those to guyp back here is it would validate some of my stories. In prison tales come in many forms and fashions and a great deal of people's 'past lives' in the free world are concoctions...stories to impress those back here.
Tales of the gangster life, or whatever...
When I tell people that yeah, I grew up in a nice home, went to private school etc. you can see that ' he's full of shit' look in their eyes...1'd whip out the year books and people loved to see them.
Anyways, I'm in the process of trying to get stuff. We'll see.
I'll try to write more this week. I'm just gong to get under the fan for now.
It's been an interesting several days. As I write this, though, I'm tired as hell...got very little sleep last night and then woke up at 5:15 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep so I just said "screw it" and went about starting my day.
I´ll be going to recreation here in a little bit, but I wanted to get a jump on the day and get to writing, even if my brain is firing with all of its neurons. Oh and it feels like an oven in the cell. I actually heard that guys who went to visit on Saturday were visiting their people without any air...that had to suck !
Last week they had an audit of some sort and it never fails this place erupts into chaos. They (the administration) wait until the last minute and they send inmates clean up crews to scrub and mop, paint over things and generally make things look good on the surface. It is all an illusion, of course, but the inmates are the ones who get faulted for their incompetence. Instead of doing general maintenance and all of the other general upkeep year round they go into this panic.
They also start enforcing all of these stupid arbitrary rules like "no clothes line up from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m." or no property in your cell can remain out in the "open" when you aren't in your cell. Just stupid stuff and if you don't follow these rules that they HAVEN'T been enforcing all year long well, you get a disciplinary case...as was the case when 10 guys got written up on my pod. I shouldn't be surprised but it does amaze me how they get away with it. This whole place is a house of sand and fog. I hate how retarded it sounds to whine or complain about the stupid things they do, but the place is just frustrating at times.
Speaking of frustration...I'm really fed up with the crazy people that reach out to guys back here-
Somehow I got dragged into some BS drama between a couple all because I told someone else that the dude's chick wasn't being faithful and actually thought it was kind of humorous they were both being insincere with one another and lying/manipulating each other. I couldn't believe it entered into the realm of alternate realities...
"Oh I love you. You're the only one, baby..." "Yeah, me too" and they're both lying to each other for...what ?
I don't get it, but whatever floats their boat. What I don't get is the games and charades...even more so when the dude whom is locked up tries to control a woman who is in TOTAL control from the inside of a jail cell...I don't know.
I really can't get my thoughts together on this issue because I'm tired and frustrated and I really don't try or mean to judge anyone and I'm not questioning any real relationship...love happens. I've been in love back here. It can be real, but dammit if I'm not just sick and tired of the groupies and crazy chicks...I'm tired of the users and manipulators back here...I'm just tired of the craziness.
Also those who play the victim role on either side of the fence. There are real victims and then there are the "everyone is against me, I don't know why this is happening", blah freaking blah. I'm tired of it. Sooooooooooooo tired. I know that I'm getting a bit cynical in this place, but fuck I've been cramped up and tied down for fifteen years and you think you've seen it all and then new and wonderful surprises come your way.
That being said, and I've written this before those in the movement who really, truly offer their support and don't have agendas, whom aren't crazy or groupies and support guys locked up or on death row, I truly couldn't be more grateful for that. From the bottom of my heart.
I did manage to catch a really touching story yesterday and I'm going to mangle it, I would suggest doing a search on the UK/Owen and Haatchi...something like that. I defy anyone not to read or watch anything about their story and not get teary eyed...to sum it all up a dog is abused and cruely tied to train tracks and run over...the dog loses its leg but somehow survives. A family adopts the dog for their disabled son named Owen who is in a wheelchair and lays his head on his lap...Since then they've been winning awards together at dog shows all across the UK. I couldn't hold back the tears ! It was just a really beautiful story and I'm doing no justice writing about it. Just check it out.
To my friends...I love you guys and thank you. To my friend whom I'm about to see this weekend...can't wait and thank you for all that you do. You're freaking awesome.
I am a bit on the depressed side...Yesterday I kind of hurt a friend of mine from back here feelings...It wasn't intentional, but he was quite pissed at me and I haven't been able to talk to him since so...I really hate when you're trying to get closure or some kind of resolution and for one reason or the other you can't immediately.
The wait sucks...so here's what happened:
Yesterday I was going to go outside and had every intention of going outside, I mean it is hotter than the hells of Hades, but sunshine is sunshine and I wanted to go. I told my friend because he would intercept the guards before me to set it up, however, I was of the understanding that it would be 2nd or 3rd round of recreation so when I asked the guard if my friend had talk to them they said "Yes, but it will be 4th or 5th round..." "That late ? Can't we possibly go any sooner cause I really don't want to get stuck out until 2nd shift..." She said that was the best she could do for us and so I turned it down and said I'd just prefer to go to the dayroom and get rec. out of the way. Look, it's not that I would've turned down rec. I would've gone. I don't ever give up recreation unless I just feel depressed and anti social. So, if that was all that was open I would've gone, but I hate hate hate being stuck out until second shift. Shift change is at 5.30 p.m. and they're usually in the middle of feeding dinner and so the guards on the next shift do a security check, finish feeding, then count time. By the time they change out the recreations and take us back to our cells I'm tired, I'm hungry, I want to listen to the news and get mail, read, go to bed...The guard went back and told him I said that didn't work for me and he got really mad at me. I felt bad. Still do. I sent word explaining things and said I was sorry but I haven't received word back on anything so the not knowing is driving me nuts. I should've just sucked it up and gone outside instead of leaving him hanging.
I suppose it is a flaw...I can be the most accommodating person in the world, giving, generous...but I have a tendency to do things my way or no way at all. I don't bend easily and I think I need to work on that...I don't intentionally try to hurt people's feelings and I hate when I do.
Anyways, I've been up since 5.30 a.m. and it is one of those days. I did get the latest Walking Dead comic (#144) and read it while I was in the dayroom. Screw the TV series, I mean, I'd watch it if I could, of course, but the best thing going is the comic books...and #144 didn't disappoint. It was a shocker that the writer Robert Kirkman could only write. He has this way of tricking you into a lull...getting complacent in the series and then out of nowhere just hits you upside the head with a shocker. I was reading it while walking around the dayroom and then...I gasped out loud and said "No ! Not so and so !!!" This one had an emotional effect much like issue #100 did-
Not really sure what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. Just trying to keep my thoughts positive.