Randy Halprin

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June 2006

Randys Journals

June 01, 2006
It's June. Yeehaw! I wish it could've started off on a better foot

This morning some of the guards and a sergeant decided they were going to stir up my crazy neighbor. I guess he had some garbage on the floor or his cell was really filthy and the day the warden came through wasn't too happy about how dirty it was. So,  my as-sumption is he told a sergeant to harass him, as it seems to be standard procedure when a warden is mad. So, they put handcuffs on him and take him out of his cell. Then about four guards go in and start tearing stuff up. Then a so called Psychiatrist  came in to his cell and looked around. After about thirty minutes or so they all left and put him back in his cell. He of course was riled up now and was yelling out a bunch nonsense. And they wrote him a discipline case

Now, what really angers me about this
and I don't know my neighbor but I'm smart enough to realize he has a serious mental disorder, or he's like the best method actor in the world what angers me is that they would think that by punishing him he would stop being "crazy". Where does this logic come from? You're not going to "break him", if he's got problems, there's nothing you can do unless  you offer real help. He lives in a com-pletely different world than everybody else. Your rules and policies are of no concern to him. They don't exist. Yet They think if they treat  them like a sane and normal inmate they're doing something. I swear this state is so backwoods. They don't want to help him get better. They want to hold him until they can kill him. It pisses me off.
Shortly after that I went to medical. I'm not that bad off
I've got high blood pressure from stress and eating too much salty foods (i.e. peanuts, nuts and chips Hey! What else can eat? That's about all there is for me.) I'm not getting enough sleep from depres-sion and so he referred me to their wonderful psychiatric department in which they of-fered to dope me up so I  could sleep and I said nope, ain't happening. I have low iron, which just means I've got to take a vitamin that has iron in it. I have to stop eating salty foods. They worst news was I have a ruptured ear canal and some fluid leakage. I got some ear drop  antibiotics for that. He thinks I'll probably have some permanent hearing loss. That sucks, because I rely on my ears for so much. I mean, sound is my world. I'll get a check up in about 4-6 weeks. If I want then, I can have a hearing test, but they don't  offer them on this unit, so I will probably be sent to another unit for a day or so. That's a long ways away, though. Sigh What can you do?
They still didn't bring mail, which I figured. I bet my theory proves right. I'll get some mail on Friday.
What a wonderful start to the month!

June 02, 2006
Friday. At least this week went by fast. It still is raining though, when they swore it was going to stop. What is the deal!
I did get some mail. Yea! And a really sweet little note from Mary and that made my day and weekend. I was expecting some other things, but never got them. That completely sucked, though.
I wish I had more to say than that, but I'm kind of in a funk.

June 03, 2006
Wow! The sun is finally out! It looks gorgeous outside. Though, it's sad that I can't get out today. I tried asking the guards, but she said no. Oh well. I haven't gotten any sun all week. I need sunshine!
My day is still early. I'll be going to recreation in a short while. I've just been spending my time reading this awesome book called "Confederate In The Attic". It's about how the civil war affected the American south and how it still affects most southerners  to this day.
I was born and raised in the south, but I've never had a hold on it. I'm a Yankee at heart, though I do like the generosity of the south. Well, some of us have it anyways. In most ways I just think southerners are a bunch of right winged fanatics. But  Southern Liberals are the best!
This book is really good, though, and I like it a lot.
Got some laundry out of the way. My jumper is hanging up to dry right now. By the time I get back from rec. it should be dry, I'm hoping.
I'm the worlds biggest klutz! I was getting ready to go to recreation when I decided I wanted some coffee. I made some and poured it into a small milk bottle that had a snap on lid. As the guard showed up to pull me out, I sat the bottle on the ledge  of my sink and as the guard put the handcuffs on me, the bottle falls off the ledge and bursts on the floor sending coffee everywhere! What could I do? I had cuffs on and so I couldn't clean it up until I returned from recreation. Which during that time  had dried up into a great brown mess. Plus, it smelled so bad. This instant freeze dried coffee smells like piss when it dries out. Ugh.
Right now I'm listening to the Disney movie "Toy Story". I remember seeing this in the theaters way back in 1995. It blew me away. Listening to it now, I'm reminded at how good this movie is.
Hey! The Dallas Mavericks basketball team beat the Phoenix Suns and are going to the NBA Finals! Woohoo! That's my team. They'll be playing The Miami Heat. Should be a good championship. For those who don't know about American Basketball: They will play  seven games. Whoever wins four games wins the whole deal.
Okay, I think I'll turn in now. More tomorrow!

June 04, 2006
Sundays are so drab. Actually it hasn't been terribly bad. I've managed to stay busy. It's a little after two in the afternoon right now a little over 90 ° outside. I looked out my window and it seems to be really nice. Not too many clouds. I wish I could open it up and get some fresh air. That would be a real pleasure.
I think I pulled a shoulder muscle yesterday, 'cause my right shoulder is killing me.
I can't remember what I wanted to write about today. I was going to tell a funny story, but now I can't remember
I need to start writing different thoughts down. Sometimes
when I'm cleaning my cell or shaving or doing other things I'll think, "Hey! That'll be good to tell in my journal, but then I don't write it down. Sheesh.
I did want to write about a memory of being in prison that was inspired by the book I am reading. The author is talking to various people in the south and how the American Civil War still affects them. Well, there's this one loony guy, he's interviewing  and he's spout-ing off how the Jews are taking over the world etc. Yet, the author is Jewish. He asks the loony guy, "Well have you met a Jew?" He says, "No, but I could pick them out." The author says, "Well, I'm Jewish." So, the crazy guy goes, "Huh.  Well, you seem okay to me. I just don't like them Zionists
When I was in general population I had been approached by many different racist gangs and such. I was never afraid to tell people I was Jewish and most were shocked, when I told them, 'cause they had never really met a Jew. It was pretty funny. Almost  every single response was always, "Well, you seem cool to me." Like they expected this big nose money hungry Semite. And then, whenever they were around me they would stop talking their anti-Semitic trash. It was pretty funny.
That's nuts
It's not even 2:20 pm, and they're passing out dinner. Huh.
I guess I'll close up kind of early. I still have to finish some letters and stuff. Peace.

June 05, 2006
Okay, I'm going to say this again: Mainstream radio sucks! Yes, I like some of the music that is out that is played often on the radio, but some songs I can't figure out for the life of me how they get played as much as they do. I cannot believe that  the majority of lis-teners have such awful taste in music! Maybe I'm being a snob, but man
I've heard a few songs on this Alternative Rock station that one aren't even "Alternative" and two are so annoying and sound alike and they've been playing almost a year now and I could hear them probably about three or four times an hour. Let it die man  sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Right now Rice University doesn't have a DJ in so I'm stuck lis-tening to crap!
Today is a no recreation day. It's hot and I've been trying to keep my mind off of the mail for tonight. I don't think I've ever dreaded the mail, but I'm actually dreading the mail for tonight. Long, private story as to why. Well, either tonight's mail  or tomorrow's mail.
I got up about 6:30 am this morning for a shower and have spent most of the day read-ing. I'm not in much of a writing mood, but I figured I'd get something down.
Hey, wow
The Buzz is actually playing a decent song. "Terrible Lie" by Nine Inch Nails. There's a part in this song where Trent Reznor sings, "Don't turn away from, I need you to hold  onto" This is probably one of my faves by NIN. I digress
I think I'll tell a school story

This one took place during a school suspension for climbing out of our dorm window with some friends. We were basically just trying to pull a prank when this kid "Pee Wee" was dropped out of the window and fell to the ground. He went and told on us, so  four of us were suspended. This guy they called "Digger" and me were suspended to the farm, which is no fun, believe me.
We had to show up at the farm at 7 am and we were warned to not wear any clothes that we didn't want to be ruined. We put on our worst duds and headed out to the farm which was on the school campus. You just had to cross a swinging bridge that was suspended
over part of the Ohio River, they called "Goose creek". Our first morning of suspension we were greeted by heavy fog.
With the air thick and heavy the smell of cow and pig dung was like a blanket around us. We waited outside a barn for someone to tell us what we'd be doing for the day. I ho-nestly didn't think it was going to be too bad, but we had heard the horror stories.  Digger and I just brushed them off and looked forward to the three days away from school.
A supervisor named "Ducky" came out of the barn and said, "You guys will be working for me. Poppa T is going to give you a talk whenever he arrives and then we'll get to work." Ducky was an eccentric guy who used to be a student at OBI and was the announcer  for the schools basketball games. He was going to be a broad caster, but somehow never got away from the school.
We stood around waiting for Poppa T to show up and give us a speech. The smell of ani-mals was really bugging me and Digger was already goofing around picking up rocks and throwing them at animals. I was in for a very long day.
(Time out
My buddy ghost just came to our dayroom. I'm going to chat with him for a little bit!)
(I'm back
I've got a topic I want to write about later very interesting )
Poppa T was this big burly southern Baptist man. He was the schools farm manager and also ran the Four H club. He had a big pot belly and huge forearms and a no nonsense attitude. He was all about serving the Lord and work.
When he showed up he noticed Digger was goofing around and said, "You boys are on my time now. I work for the glory of God and I expect you to give the same amount of glory and respect. We're not going to act like clowns." He said looking at Digger. "And  you're to respect the animals. If I see you abusing the animals in any way I'm going to take white lightning to your behinds."
"White Lightning" was a mythical paddle that everyone talked about, but had never been seen except by those who had been suspended. To recieve licks from Poppa T with White Lightning was something you did not want to happen. It was rumored that no one  had ever been able to take a lick by Poppa T and not dropped to their knees crying. It was said that if you could take his licks without crying he'd hand you a twenty dollar bill. Dig-ger and I gulped.
"You boys will get a five minute break and a ten minute break. You'll only rest when I tell you can rest. Idle hands are the devils workshop so I expect you to be quiet and I expect you to stay busy. There'll be no cursing. When we go to lunch you will  not be allowed to sit with your friends. Three days boys. You better never show up late or I'll tack on an extra day. Now, let's start the day with prayer."
Being Jewish I dropped my head out of respect, but didn't pray along with Poppa T. He said his prayer and everyone gave an "Amen" in unison. Then he asked why I didn't. "I'm Jewish, sir", I said. "Well, you know
 and I ain't one to beat around the bush, but if you don't accept Christ, well, you ain't gettin' to heaven. You know that right?" This wasn't the first or last time I was told that at OBI.
We spent most of the day cleaning hog pens and cow manure. The hogs were actually very friendly and smart animals, it was just the smell. You couldn't get away from it and it lingered in your nostrils hours after you finished working. When we went to  lunch we sat a separate table away from the other students. We had to ask to get up and get juice or tea. Walking up to the igloos, students would jump out of your way and avoid you like the bubonic plague. I could see my friends at a table pointing and  snickering at me.
The second day was much of the same. It was the third day that I'll never forget.
For some reason Digger thought that on the third day we wouldn't have to work as hard and that maybe Poppa T would go easy on us. I gave into his logic and so we both head-ed to the farm in good spirits. Digger was so positive, that we wouldn't work too  hard that he brought his real nice baseball cap with him.
Man, were we wrong. Poppa T had us shoveling cow crap and filling up a giant manure spreader with shovels. There was a big cement pad known as the cow lot that branched off of the main barn. Cows roamed the area and ate grain all day long and of course  crapped everywhere. To top this off, on this day hogs were everywhere, too.
The first sign of bad luck was when Digger put his nice cap on a fence post and a gust of wind came out nowhere and blew it off straight into a mound of crap. I started laughing and Digger started cussing loudly, "Shhh! Keep it down, dude! If someone  hears you cussing we'll get it." He calmed down and grabbed his cap and went to a water spout and washed it off.
Then as we were working Digger leaned on his shovel and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a five dollar bill and said, "Randy, when we get off of work we're going to cele-brate. I'm buying at the grill." "Cool!" I said very impressed. As Digger was  going to put the five dollars back into his pocket it fell into the cow crap and
I'm not making this up a pig  came out of nowhere licked at it and ate the five dollar bill! Digger started cussing again. I was stunned. I shouldn't believe what I just watched. What were the odds that the day could go so wrong?
We went to lunch and came back to the farm and stood around waiting for Poppa T to tell us what we would do the second part of the day. I remember there was a little pond in front of Poppa T's office and there were some ducks. Digger, thinking no one  was around picked up a few stones and started to throwing them at the ducks. My eyes darted around, covering him.
About a minute later Poppa T comes busting out of his office. "Why are you throwing rocks at my animals!?!?!?" he yelled. I froze. Digger dropped the rock that was in his hand. Poppa T pointed right at Diggers chest and said, "Boy, you just got yourself  two licks." "But I didn't do anything!" Digger protested. I stood quietly watching him dig his hole deeper. "You want to lie? I watched you from my office. Randy, did he throw rocks at them ducks?" he asked. "Uhh
 I wasn't paying attention", I said, not wanting to be a tattle tell. "You just got yourself a lick!" he yelled. He ran off and we were about to find out if the myths of White Lightning were true.
About a minute later he ran out with a giant white fiber glass paddle. I could see that holes had been drilled into the flat surface of the paddle to offer less wind resistance. Yep. The myths were true.
He told Digger to bend over and grab his ankles. Digger was in defiant mode and said, "Sir, I'm going to be the first person to get that twenty dollars." And with a loud Crack! I watched Digger tumble over with a loud "Ouch!" Tears were in his eyes. "Get  up. You got one more coming. This hurts me more than it hurts you." Wack! Digger dropped again.
Poppa T turned towards me. "Grab your ankles. Now, had you not lied to me I wouldn't be doing this. The Lord don't like liars." I bent over and like a bolt of lightning sent from God himself it came crashing down right on my butt. I fell to the ground  with a loud cry. I can't begin to describe the sharp pain that shot through my behind. It was searing. Probably much like a jolt of lighting would have felt.
And so that was our experience of our three day suspension.
So, earlier I had a conversation with a guy they call "Ghost". I've mentioned him before. He was telling me that there are people in hate groups who monitor Death Row prisoners who keep journals etc. I guess they have nothing better to do than to bash  people. Well, if you're reading my site and journal I welcome you and hopefully it will open your hate filled eyes. I love you as a HUMAN BEING. Just remember judge not lest you be judged (I'm pretty sure a guy named Jesus said that.)
Well, I think that does it for now. We'll see if I have anything to write about concerning the mail tonight. I hope it's not as bad as I'm anticipating.

June 06, 2006
Holy cow! It's the day of the devil. Ohhhhh. I'm so freaking scared! No, seriously, I'm tripping out listening to all of these news reports and some evangelical program talking about today could be the day. Well, I sure wish it was so I could leave this  forsaken pla-net.
Not much happening today. I never got the mail I was expecting, so the dread carries into tonight. Oh boy, that would be freaky if I got that stuff on 6/6/6. Maybe I'd be a be-liever then! Nah
 Don't think so.
Don't have much planned for the day. I need to clean my cell and do some laundry. Think I'll do that right now.
Well, it's seven at night now. I was just moved to B-pod 30 cell. It's a pretty nice cell. It's just very echo-y. If that's even a word. I've got a good neighbor. I didn't happen to get the mail though. I think it's being sat on. I just want to get it  over with.

June 07, 2006
Another day. It's been very busy today. I got caught up on a lot of things and I even got into another argument over the whole gay amendment thing. Another gay basher. Ignor-ance and intolerance really chap my hide.
Remember my ear problem? Well, this like never happens, but for some reason the doc-tor called me back down to medical to take another look at my ear. Turns out I don't have a ruptured ear canal
 He said I just have a giant ball of wax blocking the path, so they're going to clean it out tomorrow. I should get my hearing back then. That'll be awesome!
I still didn't get the mail I'm dreading. This is getting out of hand. I just want the sus-pense to be over with. It's driving me NUTS!!!
Okay, I will close here.

June 08, 2006
Well, that was very strange and disgusting. I went to medical to get my ear cleaned out and so they put this little tube with a big giant syringe type deal and fill it up with hot water and shoot the water directly in to my ear canal. They did this for  a few minutes to break the wax up and little pieces were gushing out and then PLOP this giant ball of nas-ty wax came out and I could hear everything crystal clear. I was soooo happy! I've 100% hearing back and when I turned on my radio and put the head  phones on, it was like hearing brand new songs.
The day, otherwise has been long and uneventful. I'm just waiting on the mail. Tonight is the night I know it is

Yep. I'm raging mad right now. I'm hurt, I'm disgusted and I feel like I've had the big-gest betrayal happen to me. I've been lied to. I've been stabbed in the back. I'm so an-gry and hurt I'm shaking right now and can barely type this. I'm crying. I  feel like throw-ing up.
I got the mail I was waiting on. I completely did not expect this. I was blind sided. How could you? How could you just lie to me and say all of those things and have this crap up? You know, who I'm talking to. I want answers and I want the truth.

June 09, 2006
I'm still mad. I'm still upset. I didn't get any sleep last night and I was so emotionally sick that I threw up a couple of times. On top of that is a special day that has been ruined for me. Why?
I need to move on, if I dwell on it I'll only get angrier

My attorney came today. Nothing really new to report. My appeals are on hold still and I've got a long ways to go. I learned that one of my co-defendants may be trying to drop his appeals. What that means is that he will no longer fight the death sentence  and they will issue him an execution date. My lawyer are going to try to stop him from doing this for several reasons, but also because he's crucial to my case. He has to testify that I had no role in the shootings.
So that's about the day in a nutshell. I just really don't feel like writing much. Sorry, I've been so lame on my entries for the past month or so. I'm just really going through a lot right now. I'm worn out. I'm tired and confused. I'm heart broken.  I just don't have a lot going for me right now. Hopefully one of these days I'll get my happiness back. But right now

There's a song by The Cure called "Untitled". I want to close this up with the lyrics of it. It's kind of how I feel at this moment in time:
Hopelessly drift in the eyes of the ghost again.
Down on my knees and my hands in the air again.
Pushing my face in the memory of you again
But I never know if it's real.
Never know how I wanted to feel.
Never quite said what I wanted to say to you.
Never quite managed the words to explain to you.
Never quite knew how to make them believable.
And now the time has gone. Another time undone.
Hopelessly fighting the devil's futility.
Feeling the monster climbing deeper inside of me.
Feeling him gnawing my heart away hungrily.
I'll never lose this pain.
I'll never dream of you again.
And while I'm at it, I've got one more song I'd like to put in here by The Cure called "A thousand Hours":
For how much longer can I howl into the wind?
For how much longer can I cry like this?
A thousand hours, a thousand ways.
Just to feel my heart for a second.
A thousand hours just thrown away.
Just to feel my heart for a second.
For how much longer can I howl into this wind???

June 10, 2006
I'm feeling a little bit better. Last night I got a really good letter from one of my friends and it cheered me up a lot. I actually got some sleep
about 7 hours so that was a nice treat. I needed it.
I woke up with a lot of energy. I did some cleaning up and then I started a letter res-ponding to the bad mail I got the other night. I was very calm and actually had a mo-ment of clarity. Definitely some of my best writing, I think. I'm on page twelve  (Yes! 12 pages for a letter!) and probably still have much more to stay. But none of it's angry or mean. Too bad it's too personal or I'd let everyone read it :(
When lunch came I didn't eat much. Just the mashed potatoes and the green beans, ever since this incident I've pretty much lost my appetite. At about 10:45 am I went outside with my neighbor and we exercised for about an hour. Then I laid out in the sun  and got toasted. Man, you should see my dome. It's like a bright pink :) My nose is crispy and tender. Luckily, we got a little bit of extra time and so decided to play a game of basket-ball. First one to fifty points. I lost by ten :( I was holding the  lead until I tripped on the ball (I'm a natural born klutz
) and it threw my whole mojo off. Well, that's my excuse and they come a dime a dozen :)
I'm getting ready to listen to the movie "Toy Story 2". I hope it's funny. I need some laughs. I never got a chance to watch it. I'm missing a lot of good movies.
The buzz right now is that KDOL was on the Houston CBS news report last night. I missed it 'cause I listen to NBC news, but everyone is saying it's really good and it doesn't bash the radio station. I think that's pretty cool. Maybe it'll help bring them  more donations and outside help. I'm sure that would be nice. I wonder how they got inter-viewed.
I wish my life wasn't so complicated. My friend told me in a letter Hold on, gotta find that passage We were discussing relationships and she said, "Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, but in the end I think the answer is "yes", because I've  learned so much from each situation" Yeah, I'm pretty much the same way. Sometimes I'll think, "What the hell did I get myself into?" But then, I did have a really great time and I  loved every-thing about it and I love that feeling of being loved and being in love, so Plus, I did learn a lot from it. I learned a lot about myself, too. Four years is a long time.  It just sucks when it's all over. Now I just want my happiness back. I feel like it's been yanked from under my feet and taken away. I guess in time it'll return. I need to get back  to myself. I think I've denied myself of too much lately.
I'm not a selfish person at all. I'd go beyond my limitations for the people I love, but maybe I do give too much of myself. My friend, Dave, said it's okay to be selfish some-times. Maybe he's right. I just get to where everything gets to be a burden  and you lose yourself in the process. You gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else.
I think I'll close here for the night. I've got some other writing to do and I want to check out this movie. Peace!

June 18, 2006
Well I'm starting to get out of my funk
The past week has been an emotional roller coaster that started when someone who was very close to me pretty much had been ly-ing to me and everything  for the past 6 months. The thing is, deep inside, I knew When the truth came to light I just, well It killed me.  Now I truly know how Theresa felt way back then. If you're reading this, Theresa Man, I am so sorry for all of that. Now I know. I really know.
I started to come around last night and I do feel a lot better. You just have to pick up the pieces and move on and I'm ready to move on. I just want my happiness back and I want to enjoy what I have in my life and enjoy this time as best as possible.  I need to regain my focus. I need to be positive and I need to keep moving.
(Hey, I wanted to say hello to what I hope turns out to be a new friend, Chelle. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words:))
I think I'm going to have a lot to say this next week. I've been contemplating a lot of things and have some new theories on love and life. I can't figure out why I'm so ob-sessed with the ideas of soul mates and that never ending quest of "true" love.  It's crazy, but I'm determined to figure it all out before I leave this planet.
Back to my first paragraph, I want to thank those who felt I should know the truth. Please don't feel bad for interfering in personal issues. I would've naively been hanging on to false hopes forever had I not known. So thanks.
I guess I can officially call myself a free man. Well, I at least don't belong to any woman :) Woohoo! (well, that's a broken hearted Woohoo. I'm really not all that happy about it, but at least I can move on
 :*( )
Guess I'll close here. I'll get back to normal writing tomorrow. I've got much to say, so stay tuned. Oh, Josef tells me my interview from ABCnews is posted up now. Please check it out and you'll get to see me. How I talk, etc. :) How cool is that?

June 19, 2006
Hmmm. Where to begin? Today was pretty uneventful. Lots of rain, lots of boredom. I went to recreation today at six in the morning. It was an outside day for me. I had no clue, really that it was going to rain so I was greeted by a light mist as I stepped  onto the recreation yard. I wanted to exercise, but it was too wet to do what I wanted to do. Tomorrow will be a no-recreation day for me so that should be even more boring than today. I can't wait.
Right now it's 6:44 pm and I'm sitting here listening to "Entertainment Tonight" on NBC. Nothing decent is playing on the radio.
I'm supposed to get a visit this week. I've got mixed emotions about it. On one hand I look forward to it, on the other
I know it's not going to be a whole lot of fun, because I have  serious things to talk about so I will just make the best out if it I can.
You ever wonder why the news only ever reports "bad" news? This is kind of a random thought that sprang from a little news update that came on to get people to tune in later tonight
 I can't believe that people want to hear all about the latest murders and trage-dies. That's what you want to go to bed to? Kind of creepy. It's like they do 10 minutes of horrible news and then they do a little upbeat segment and then weather and right  before the sports they give you one more bad story just for good measure. Crazy.
There's a song out now by the group TOOL called "Vicarious" and it's really good. It's basically a commentary on how people watch all of this suffering from their couches. The line where he says, "I like to watch things die
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies" Some idiot back here said that it was cool that he was singing that and I said, "Dude, do you  even know what he's talking about?" He said, "Yeah, he's talking about killing and stuff." I just kind of looked at him in pity wondering if I should even really bother explaining the song to him. I guess my point is: I just think it's strange that we  as a society or culture would take so much pleasure in another misery. I know I don't want
to see a mother on T.V. in agony over losing a loved one. Man, we're strange people. We really are.
It's like the other day a guard asked me why I didn't eat meat and didn't I get tired of eating just beans and vegetables. Yeah, I do get tired of having the same meal everyday, but I take comfort in the fact that I don't have to eat some poor animal.  Then the guard says, "Hey, I like animals, too. I love them, but so long as ( I ) don't have to kill them I'll eat them." That logic just left me standing at my door dumbfounded.
And why do people look down on vegetarians like we're abnormal? I haven't solved that mystery yet

Am I just rambling or what?
I just took a look out my window. It's still overcast, but the rain has let up. There are some birds pecking around for dinner on the grass out there. It's neat to watch them. I've noticed they have a grid system they use. Each bird will be in what seems  a square foot section of grass. They all walk in line together pecking away at the ground. When one finds a fruitful area they all immediately fly/hop to that area and begin to peck. It's pretty neat.
Mail should come anytime now. Here recently everything seems to be on time, but that's subject to change. Honestly, I really don't expect anything tonight, Mondays are general-ly a no mail day.
I think that does it for today. But before i leave, I have to recommend two new songs from the group Snow Patrol: "Hands Open" and "Chasing Cars". The latter is a tear jerk-er. Both excellent.
Good night and Peace.

June 20, 2006
"No I won't do it again. I don't want to pretend. If it can't be like before I've got to let it end. I don't care what I want, I've had a change of head
" The Cure.
Don't ask me why I started this entry with that, but it's what's been going around in my head for the past few hours

The rain finally ended and now the sun is poking it's bright and sunny little head out. I turned out my cell light out, because I prefer natural light to fluorescent. Plus, I look at it as doing my part for the environment. Yeah, yeah
, I know, I'm nuts, but still
Just like I do to save paper and trees now, I utilize both sides. I think everyone should do that.
Well, here's the latest Polunsky Unit / Death Row news: There is a toilet paper shortage! I kid you not. They posted a notice up saying we had to make what we have last for aw-hile. Man, that's not going to be a pretty situation for some. Haha.
Today was a non-recreation day and was just as boring as yesterday. I got up at 6:30 pm for a shower and then crawled back into bed until a little after eight in the morning.
I spent a little time talking with my neighbor, then we learned that there's an execution today. The guy they're going to kill (murder) is only like 22 or 23. He came to death row early 2000 or so. I know him well. I'm kind of pissed, because, while I  don't know his case from what I've gathered from him he's a product of his environment. Never had a stable family, in and out of state schools and boys homes
Yet, he said the prosecutors  in his trial made it seem like he had every chance available to him to do right or better
This argument pisses me off so bad. I mean, when are people going to wake up and realize that regardless of the opportunities, not everybody works the same.
You take all of the psychological problems of never having a family and his childhood
Some people just can't beat that. It affects the rest of their life. I'm pretty sure it's a safe  bet that anyone who undergoes childhood damage, whether mentally or physically, will be affected for the rest of their lives. Whether or not is apparent on the outside. I can be the most successful business man in the world, but could be addicted to drugs  or worse. It's all out of sight no one sees it so they say or think, "Wow! He really overcame his childhood tragedies"
My point is that I don't think it's fair for any prosecutor to say he had a fair chance in life, when he really didn't. Plus, the even more obvious observation to me would be that he is so young. You're telling me he's beyond redemption? That he's just  so far gone, such a monster, that never in his life would he be able to change?
I know this man. And to me he was always kind and friendly as a box of kittens: A big kid is what he was. I'd seen officers talk bad to him and treat him in all sorts of ways and he never even so much as barked back. "Even I will smart back if one of  the guards are out of line. I'd never seen him do any of that.
It really makes me angry. When are people going to pull their heads out of their asses and realize that this is WRONG??? You can't justify killing anyone (maybe, in honest to goodness, self-defense would be the ONLY allowance I could perceive
) for any reason. Argh!
It's all so sad.
I can smell dinner. It actually smells good, but I guarantee it's not what I'm having
Hmm What do I predict? Beans,  vegetables and peanut butter and jelly. Hold on, it's here Yep. The only item I got wrong was I had corn bread, too.
Do you ever find it odd when certain things trigger memories from years ago? Things you forgot or just never thought about? I don't know why, but my cornbread did that to me. I started cracking up and saying to myself, "How on earth did a piece of corn  bread trig-ger (that) memory!"
I guess it's because when the corn bread crumbled it looked like grits. I've never really liked grits and I thought, "Yuck! My corn bread looks like grits", and that's when the memory hit.
It had to do with me and my girl friend of the time in the summer of '95. Whenever I would go to Louisville (I was living in Lexington, Kentucky), I always met her at the end of the day at the frozen yogurt place she worked at. Sometimes they'd let me  into the back (yeah, I was that boy friend everyone loved :) ) of the place and I'd help out and wash the dishes and pans and stuff. Then after they closed up we would take the bus back to her place. A lot of the times I would get an ice cream or soda  before we left or she'd surprise me with a new flavor.
As we were waiting for the bus she pulls this little white cup out and tells me to close my eyes and open my mouth. Now, I was always very afraid to do this, because she had a bad habit of putting odd things in my mouth, but being "in love" I always ended  up doing it for her. So, here I am thinking she's going to feed me some new flavor of ice cream or something, I open my mouth up and she slides the spoon in and I taste something nasty. "Agh! What the hell is that?" I cry out. She's laughing and says,  "Grits!" "Man, I thought it was going to be ice cream or something
", I said. But it was all in good fun.
Huh. That brought up another memory. I used to have this mushroom necklace she gave to me. It's hard to describe it, basically it was a tear drop shaped piece of glass with a tiny glass mushroom inside of the tear drop. Really pretty. Well, she would  take the necklace and put it in her mouth while it was still around my neck. This mad me immo-bile and the only way I could move around again was that I had to kiss her, to make her drop the necklace out of her mouth. Man, were we some crazy kids or what.  Haha. Good times :)
There's a really good song on the buzz right now called "Hard To Beat" by the band Hard Fi. It's got a kind of dancy feel to it. I like it.
I will more than likely be moved in a little while so I should close this up for now. Plus I need to do some push ups. I've been slacking today from boredom. Maybe I'll write a little more. I can feel my words coming back and I'm starting to thaw out  from all of the B*S* of the past few months. Oh yeah, Randy is coming back :)
I'll write some more if I can. Later.
Okay, wait, I have to write about this!! There's a guy who just took all of his clothing off in the dayroom and is running around in circles going, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" What the hell is going on around here? I can't stop laughing, this is complete  insanity! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
It's 7:00 pm on the dot. I could be wrong, but it looks like I won't be moving tonight.
So you're probably wondering what happened to the naked guy running around the day-room. Haha. It still is funny. They had to get a sergeant to come down and talk him into putting his clothing back on. After a few threats from the sergeant saying he would  have to force him to get dressed he stopped. Someone from the psych department had to come down and talk to him and they took the inmate off somewhere. Nobody knows what happened after that. I hope they don't treat him bad.
You know, some people just mentally break back here. It gets very difficult holding onto your sanity when you're locked up in your cell 22-23 hours a day.
Hold on, I'm going to jump in this debate going on. It sounds interesting!
Man, time flies! It's already 11 pm. I just got done reading my mail (awesome letter, Michelle! Made me smile ;) ) and having a little debate. I've got to get up at six in the morning, so I really need to get into bed, but I will go into the conversation  we had. Wow, it was really good. I love some really good, intelligent debates and this one is one of the best I've had in a while. Alright. Good night and peaceful dreams!

June 21, 2006
It really looks beautiful outside. I wish I could've gone out :(
Well, it's another day in this dump. Actually today has flown by pretty fast. I went to recreation at 6 in the morning and then came in, did some laundry, took a nap. Wrote a friend
 Now I'm just  waiting for the guards to tell me I'm moving. I'm sure it'll be to-night.
I wanted to talk about the debate some of us guys had last night and it carried over into this morning. Really good stuff, but first I wanted to clear some things up about my in-terview with ABC that's posted on my site and MySpace page
My friend brought up some really good questions and issues about it and I've been want-ing to let people know that not all of that report was true.
First, I was not second in charge or the second leader. I've got a document that I will post very soon, that shows me SEVENTH in the pecking order of things. Now while, I dis-agree with the comments in the document about me not being very bright and not   hav-ing leader like abilities, I was never a leader or decision maker in our escape or any other actions. The report says I was second in charge, that's false.
I never said me and my girl friend wanted to be like "Bonnie and Clyde". That was an inside joke between my girlfriend back in '95 that my dad took out of context. Obviously, my father told Cheif Wayburne his best friend and my karate teacher etc., mentor   and he ran with it.
I felt very betrayed by many of the things Chief Wayburne said about me, because they simply weren't true. Was I liar? Yes. I've never denied that I used to be a very bad liar and I've deceived my friends and family. I've done my best to get that part   of my past out of the present. I don't think I was ever a con man. What would I con anyone for? What did I ever really need? Later, in like 2003 my attorneys confronted Chief Wayburne on why he said many bad things about me and lied about me. He simply   stated, "I had to do it to protect his parents
" I was very hurt by his actions when I had so much respect for him. I looked up to him and thought he was a wonderful man. So, he called  me a liar  and con man, but he was one too in that video.
And I've stated since day one, as naive and foolish/impulsive as I was I did escape to have a second chance. I know now that it was stupid of me to even think I could do it by that, but it's the truth. That is the ONLY reason why I escaped.
So, I just wanted to get that out of the way. Most of that was a false report, but the rea-son I wanted it posted was so that people could put a voice and things to my writings and things. I know some will judge me, but hopefully most won't. I just want   to be con-sidered a human being.
Now, to our debate last night

I don't know how it all started. Some other dudes were getting into a heated argument and I over heard pieces of it while I was typing into my journal. It sounded interesting so I went to my door to listen. When I heard an opening in the conversation   I took the chance to jump in.
See, there are many people back here that do believe in the death penalty and think that only those who have actual innocent claims should be given any fair treatment by the system. Yet, they want to rely on groups that are for the abolishment of the   death penal-ty. In doing so this uses many of there resources up and they can't fight for everyone when they focus on just one person or the most high profile case. And then those who are actually guilty and maybe have changed or bettered themselves,   when they ask for help the abolishment movement turns them down. They won't get involved.
I think this is wrong. I think it's not just wrong, but it's malicious in the over all picture of things. How can you say that you want to abolish the death penalty, but you're not will-ing to fight for everyone? And most of these groups won't fight for   everyone. Now, to be fair, I don't know why they can't, but I don't think you can say your mission statement is for abolition when your actions show otherwise.
To me, if they're really going to start making a dent they should be protesting every ex-ecution. On a high profile case or an innocent claim hundreds show up to protest. But when little ol' Billy Bob is going to be executed and nonoe knows anything about   him how many people show up to oppose his execution? How many people showed up to oppose my buddy Chuy's execution? Maybe a hand full. It really pisses me off.
I think hundreds should show up to EVERY execution. Guilty, innocent, high profile, un-known. Prove your for the abolition of the Death Penalty.
Surprisingly so, many back here disagree with me. But when their time comes they'll be wondering how come no ones speaking out for them. It's just not right or fair to pick a select few to speak up for. It's just not right.
But hey, who am I?
Well, I've gotta see if I'll be moved or not. I may or may not write some more later on.
You know, if I make it another couple of years, I'll probably end up looking like this guy. Very handsome, indeed :) Haha

The dreaded day that was not to be
, well, the very important conversation I was dread-ing, but needing never happened today. Hmmm. Anyways, it's of no concern to me. I've picked up  the pieces  and I'm doing just fine thank you :)
Last night I was moved. It's okay where I'm at. Kind of noisy. My neighbors are always fighting with each other. Always over gambling debts and such. Boy I'm glad I never picked up that vice.
It started out to be a very beautiful day. The sun was out, it looked perfect, but then around 2 or so in the afternoon it just started storming. Kind of like an omen. Once it happened I pretty much realized I wouldn't be getting a visit.

June 23, 2006
I was supposed to go outside and play some basketball today, but that didn't end up happening. Someone turned down recreation and so it screwed up the order of things and so the guy I wanted to play ball with ended up going before me, then I didn't end  up getting outside until 7:00 pm, man, I really wanted to play some ball.
At least I had some mail. I got a Vegetarian magazine that's pretty neat. There was a very interesting quote that I wanted to repeat here: "I must interpret the life around me as I interpret the life that is my own. My life is full of meaning to me, the  life around me must be full of significance to itself. If I am to expect others to respect my life, then I must respect the life I see, however strange it may be to mine
" (Albert Schweitzer).
I think this can be applied to the application of the Death Penalty also. Think about it.
Today was hot and gorgeous, though. I'm glad we didn't have any rain today. It seems that the weather has been so out of wack. I really want to see that documentary Al Gore put out on global warming. I'm sure it's pretty good. I mean, how can you deny  it? I think we as humans need to realize that this is the only home we have. It's not like we can hop on a rocket ship and fly off to some nearby planet. This is all we've got. Any-ways, I'll spare the lecture :)
Is this not one of the prettiest faces you've ever seen??? Haha. Man, I'm so infatuated with Anne Hathaway! And I've never even seen her in any movies. I remember a T.V. show she did about five years ago and I just drooled over that smile! Anyways, you  don't care about my crushes so I'll move along.
I got this idea to start clipping out little pictures and things to add to my writings to give it a little life, from a friend. And since I've got no access to a computer I've got to do it the old fashioned way. Cut and paste; just like the elementary  school days!
Alright, I'm rambling now. I'll go ahead and close this up for the night. Peaceful dreams!

June 24, 2006
I really didn't have anything to write about today. It's been a typical Saturday. So I wanted to express my heart and some things about love I've been thinking about for the past few weeks.
I know I've been very cryptic about what's been going on here lately and maybe some have been able to put the pieces together
But to sum it up in a nut shell, back in Janu-ary I knew  something wrong was with my marriage. And so my wife and I separated and began to go through the process of divorce. As painful as that was and still having feel-ings of love and hope, I pushed on. But then I started to get mixed signals. I hoped once  again maybe we would be able to save everything. I kept fighting and I kept loving. And while I suspected, she wasn't being honest with me and not giving me the complete sto-ry. She was telling me she loved me and missed me and all sorts of confusing  things and I didn't want to damage what I felt could be saved and so I wouldn't pursue my ques-tions and suspicions. Though in the back of my mind things didn't add up. She would slip a few times and I'd be like, "What is she doing? What's that all about"
Well, three weeks ago, I was sent an email that informed me that my wife had a MyS-pace page and that I should know what's going on. It was checked out for me and I was sent writings/pictures from her page. I learned that my wife had been cheating on  me since December. First came pain, then anger. I don't know if it was karma or what, but I suddenly truly grasped what it probably felt like to those I lied to in my past and hurt. I've always felt that emotional pain is far worse than any physical pain  could ever be.
I just really wanted it to work out. She didn't have to lie to me. I could've accepted the fact that she found someone. I'm not a controlling guy and I would not keep anyone from living their life. I understand people have their wants and needs. We all  do.
But I can no longer believe in "true" love. Maybe love, but not true

I really don't know what I'm getting at, but my point is that all I want is to find someone who can love me, truly love me despite the physical limitations. True love, soul mates, whatever should exceed mere physical boundaries. Love is not a physical  thing. Sure, it can be expressed in physical forms, desires etc. But that TRUE feeling is something deep inside, something that stirs the soul, awakens you, stirs you in ways that you can't ex-press in words. It just saddens me to think I may never have  that, because the odds are
just too far against me. People put to much reliance on the physical realms and their own selfishness
But true love should be spiritual.
Maybe I should be a monk or something. Hahahaha
Well, feel free to disregard my non-sense.
I do want to type this wonderful thing about love a friend sent. It's really pretty. It'll be with this

"Here are 24 descriptions of LOVE that everyone should read about in order to get a bet-ter grasp of how LOVE should be.
1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.
2. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
3. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relation-ship
and find out you still care for that person.
4. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.
5. When the door of happiness closes, another opens but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.
6. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
7. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
8. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back!!! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.
9. There are things you'd love to hear that you would never hear from the person whom you would like to hear them from. Just don't be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from his/her heart.
10. Never say goodbye if you still want to try
never give up if you still feel you can go on never say you don't  love a person anymore if you can't let go.
11. Love comes to those who still hope although they've been disappointed
to those who still believe although they've been betrayed, need to love those who still love al-though they've  been hurt before.
12. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone
but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
13. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Hope you find the one that makes you smile.
14. There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!!! Hope you dream of that special someone.
15. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
16. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.
17. Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person, too. Don't be so quick to judge.
18. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless.
19. The beginning of love is to let those we love be just themselves, and not twist them with our own image
otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
20. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way!!!
21. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
22. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.
23. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
24. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying."
I do forgive my wife, but she didn't have to lie to me. I could've handled and accepted the truth. And now, it's sad because there is permanent damage. Sometimes life is like a giant man eating shark. It devours you whole.
Okay, so here's a really corny joke I heard on the radio, but I laughed for about 30 mi-nutes
One reason, it made me think of the guy who was running around the dayroom a few days ago,  but then also, if you knew my imagination Let me tell the joke first:
What did the snail riding the turtles back say??? "Weeeeeeeeee!!!" Haha.
Get it? I told you it was corny, but just imagine this little snail sitting on the shell and the turtle is just slowly trucking along
The snail's face is flying back all contorted and  slime is flying everywhere! Well, it's funny to me.
On that note I will close for the day. Just one more day to the weekend.

June 25, 2006
Another gorgeous day. It'd be a nice day for a drive. I don't have a lot to comment on today. Just saying hello and hopefully everyone is safe and doing well.

June 26, 2006
I don't know why, but today I have had a huge surge of energy. My overall feeling today has been really good. Not an ounce of depression, nothing. The sun is outshining and bright and I just feel good. I mean, technically speaking today had every reason  to start bad, but it didn't.
I'm usually in a bad mood when my day starts off with being denied something from the mail room, but it didn't even phase me. Maybe it was because the lady who brought my denial form was very pretty (always a plus) and very sweet :) I was in a dead sleep  when I heard a knock on my door. I looked up and she smiled and said, "I've got a denial form for you to sign
" I jumped out of bed, grabbed my pen and went to the door thinking, "Man this sucks." She hands me the slip and says, "Sorry I had to wake you up for this. It's stupid." But she was so pretty, how could I be mad? I said, "No big deal. I need to get up now anyways." Yeah, had to pour  on the charm. Haha.
It was stupid what I was denied, though
Some Newsweek magazine that had a picture of a child naked. Ridiculous. Look, I know there's child molesters and pervs back here, but they always  take things out of context. How is Newsweek even close to pornography or exploitive? It's craziness. Oh well.
Around nine in the morning I went to recreation and had a very good workout. I'm losing so much weight it's crazy. I don't know the next time I'll be able to take pictures, but when I do I will post some and you'll see. I need to figure out a cut off  point in which I just maintain that weight. I don't want to be unhealthy.
The rest of the day I've just been reading and relaxing.
I've got to tell you this dream I had last night, very vivid. One of those ones that felt real. It had to do with my wife's boyfriend. Somehow I was at some bar drinking a coke with some friends. I overhear a conversation and the dude is with a girlfriend  and it's not Mary. He's cheating on Mary and she doesn't know, which is kind of poetic justice in way
So, I'm thinking, "Is this the guy she cheated on me with? Huh, well, I'll just  go over and talk to him" I walk over to the booth he's sitting with and I tell his girlfriend that maybe she should leave.
He looks up at me and say's, "Who the hell are you?"
"I'm Mary's husband", I said.
"Husband? Stop bullshitting me
"Look, dude I don't want to fight you, but I think you should know that she's married and married to me. Maybe it's best ya'll talk about things, 'cause it's obvious you have some issues
Weird. But as crazy my dreams can be, I love them.
Man, is it very hot in this cell! I feel like I'm a slow roasting chicken.
Oh yeah
It's Wimbledon time! And guess who's back? My favorite female tennis player and definitely on my top ten beauties list  Martina Hingis. The match started today so I can't wait until the news tonight to see how she did.
Look at her
Isn't she gorgeous? You know, I actually took tennis lessons as a kid. I was never too good at it, but I regret not joining the team in high school. My friend Wayne was  very good. We used to go down to the school courts and play on the weekends, if we got real bored. He'd whoop my butt!
Here's a funny, true story that happened in Dallas County Jail as I was waiting for my trial. Wimbledon was coming up and two guys were talking about how they couldn't wait to see the Williams sisters beat some butt. One of the guys asks, "Does Wimbledon  take place at the French Open?" I couldn't stop laughing.
It's dinner time, so I will stop for now. Maybe I'll write a little more later on, depends
Sigh... I swear my life is a never ending roller coaster
Didn't get much sleep last night. Found out more garbage on Mary. Does it ever end? Right now I have to weigh whether trying  to hold onto a friendship is even worth it anymore.
Not only that, but her recent behaviors are really freaking me out. I really pray this isn't turning into some fatal attraction type stuff
Ugh. I mean, damn, I still care about her  an awful lot, but my whole perception of what we are and how I view the past years ra-pidly change a little more each day.
I discovered that I was wrong about her infidelities starting in December. They go back to last summer, with different guys! Ugh. Talk about a pit in my stomach. It's like, damn, who the hell are you?
I'm tired of all of this drama and negativity in my life. I try to remain hopeful, positive, loving, caring
Yet, it seems like a two ton weight has been attached to my waist and it  wants me to keep from moving. I think I'm starting to realize that within these next days I have to really consider what's best for ME. What's best for my mental and emotional state. I'm tired of sounding like a whiney little baby. I'm sure everyone else  is tired of it, too
Right now I'm waiting to go outside. It looks very pretty out and I should be playing some basketball. I'm ready to go right now!
I think I need a nap and it's only a little after nine in the morning! I went to bed close to two am, and got back up at six or so
I'm really tired. If I expect to win any games I've  got to charge up! Sheesh. I've talked to much trash to the guy I'm going to play to not be able to back my mouth up! Hahaha.
So, I also got an awesome email from an old friend from school. Chris Lee. I'm going to reply to him formally, but reading his email brought back memories that were long lost.
I met Chris through my dad and his dad. My dad designed and built these computer tables for the Postal Service. Most of the time, my dad built them right out our garage. I think Chris' dad owned a moving company or something like that and so he'd ship  these tables for my dad's business. His family had decided to send him to Oneida and it be-came my job to tell Chris what all to expect and about the school.
I ended up taking him under my wing and looking out for him, because it turned out he was kind of a momma's boy (sorry, Chris! But you know it was true
) I was a room monitor in the  middle school dormitory and basically was in charge of ten kids. I had to make sure everyone did their laundry, cleaned, was doing okay. Kind of like a camp counselor. Chris moved into my room. I liked the guy a lot, but, man, he could be bratty and a  handful! But I did my best to look out for him. We had some good laughs and times. I really tried to be a good room monitor to all the kids I was in charge of. Though I did run a monopoly on the music. Haha. If I was in the room it would be The Cure or  U2 playing. No exceptions.
Well, in his email he remembers the Daphne incident, where I got caught with her in the chapel bathroom. As it turns out he was the kid who woke me up! I couldn't remember who did it, but now looking back I see him tapping my foot and saying, "Daphne  is in the chapel and wants to talk to you
" Crazy!
On my sixteenth birthday his mom and dad had sent me a little care package with some cookies and snacks and U2's "The Joshua Tree". I can't believe I still remember that. That was very cool of them.
So, Chris, I will be writing to you very soon, but I wanted to thank you for that awesome email. It brought some tears and I thank you for not judging me and still remembering the good things about me. I'm proud to call you my little brother. It really  touched me that you called me your big brother. I hope one day soon we can see each other face to face and talk about the past and now
Hey, Chris, do you remember this: "Ahh man, I  need some absorbine junior"? Or: "I like to put sun tan lotion on my buttocks" Do you remember who said that? Or  how about that one dude we had as a room mate for like a week who said, "Man! That cockroach was the size of a water melon!!" But it was how he said it that had has cracking up non-stop

June 28, 2006
Another day flies away
I was moved last night. Right now as I write this I'm on D-pod 69 cell. It's pretty quiet and clean over here. For some reason the administration always puts  me on this section (it seems) every other week. I don't mind, I just find it peculiar that if they move me for so called "security reasons" why on earth would they keep bouncing me around to the same place? I'll never understand half of what these folks  do
I got up this morning at six thirty to take a shower; then I crawled back into bed for about another hour. Today was a no-recreation day for this section, so I figured why not get a little extra sleep?
A funny thing happened at lunch
Usually my vegetarian tray isn't on the food cart, so a guard has to go to the kitchen and get me one. I kind of take a little pleasure in having to  go the extra mile to get my food. Especially the real mean guards. So, today we had one of those real mean guards working and here he comes with the food. I ask, "Is my tray on the cart this time? He smirks at me and says, "Yep. You thought I'd have to  go and fetch you one from the kitchen, huh?" I just smirk back at him. Well, they load the trays into this metal food carrier that has 7 slots for the trays. He's going to each cell and gets to mine and I see a fish patty on the main course compartment.  I say, "What's that?" He say's, "Fish!" "Well, I don't eat fish." All of a sudden he's an expert on vegeta-rianism and say's, "Vegetarians eat fish." "I don't. It's alive, I don't eat it." "But ", he protests. "Nope, looks like you're going to have to go to the kitchen after all and get me a tray." Man, he was so pissed. He slammed my food slot door closed and his face was red  But for the record, I didn't become a vegetarian to make the guards do extra work. I do value all life; that just comes as an added bonus :)
The rest of the day I just relaxed and read some. I was thinking a lot about my days at Oneida and an old friend, Chris, who had sent me a message the other day. I don't know, it just makes me feel really good when old friends from my past remember the  good things about me. I think in this place sometimes you convince yourself that you really were a bad person or are and that you're just getting what you deserve
But then people from  your past come out and say, "No, you were a really good guy. You did this for me, or you watched out for me" And it's like, "Wow, I guess I'm not a bad person"
Why is it, though that when you're in a situation where you can be judged, people tend to look more at the bad than the good? I don't know

They had an execution last night. The press dubbed the guy "The Railroad Killer". They said he asked for forgiveness right before the state killed him. I didn't really know the guy, but I heard he was pretty crazy. At least he did. I know that can't take  away the victims families pain, but hopefully it will have brought some peace in the end. I just hate how the media exploits these executions
They make it a big festival. Like, yester-
day on the six pm news they were doing this wicked/sick countdown. They opened the show with, "We're only minutes away from The Railroad Killer's execution
" What the hell is wrong with  people? They exploit both sides' families; they hype it up like a carniv-al. They even had a reporter out in Huntsville, Texas, where they do the executions, who was saying, "And if you look behind this white curtain, that's hanging up on this fence,  you'll see the Hurst that will take his body away" What kind of wack job reporting is that?
It's freakin' nuts, if you ask me.
An endless cycle of pain.
Death be gets death be gets death be gets death be gets death be gets death
This is the world we live in.
Okay, I've got to lighten this entry up a bit. I'm going to talk about this time I got busted smuggling two pounds of sugar back from the kitchen.
Basically, I had to "hustle" to have the things I needed in prison. I was always paid in stamps and in return I would trade the stamps with someone who needed them for food, hygiene items, (and yes, sometimes drugs
I did various little things at the time. Sold cheeseburgers, cookies, food from the kitchen, but for a few months I fell into the riskiest hustle of them all: making 'hooch'. I guess the main reason was it made a lot of money. I could easily make ten  bucks a gallon. Some-body taught me how to do it, they would give me the supplies and then I would mix it all into plastic jugs and hold them in my locker. The trick was keeping the smell down so the guards wouldn't notice it, 'cause these babies would  get to reeking bad! If the guards found it, well, that was automatic Medium Custody. And Medium Custody is nothing nice
especially for a Jew.
I had almost been caught once before. Someone had snitched me off, and as the ser-geant was going to my cell to search it a guy in another cell started having a seizure and fell off his bunk. The sergeant was called over to that incident. Now, I still  couldn't get into my cell, because the guard in the control center was given orders to not allow me into my cell, but fortunately my cellmate was in there, sleeping. I had to wake him up, tell him to go into my locker and dump everything down the toilet,  crush the jug and throw out the side of the door. I barely got off the hook.
Well, this particular time, I had to go to the kitchen, pick up a lunch bag filled with two pounds of sugar, smuggle it all the way back to the cell blocks without getting stopped for a pat down. For every five people that walked by the Sergeants and  Lieutenants, three inmates would be stopped and patted down. The odds were not in my favor.
I made it into the kitchen, picked up the bag of sugar, slid it under my arm pit, then closed my jacket up. My only problem was the jacket's zipper was broken, so I had to hold the jacket shut.
I can't explain what happened next, because it was a damn near windless day, but just as I made it outside of the kitchen a blast of air hit me and blew my jacket wide open. A lieutenant saw the brown bag and pointed at me, "You get your ass over here  right now!" I knew that was it. People only smuggle sugar out for one reason. I walked up to him. "Give me that bag." I handed him the sack. "What the hell is this, inmate?" "My hustle." I said. "You making wine?" he asked. "No sir. I'm just doing my  hustle." "You know this is medium custody action right here?" "Yes, sir." "Do you owe somebody something? You riding?" (Riding meant that you were paying for protection. You would do sexual services or give money or do hustles for other people
"No, sir. I'm just trying to get by", I said.
"Who's this for? Who's buying?"
"Can't say, sir. I'm not going to be killed over a bag of sugar."
"Huh. Give me your I.D.! I'll call you to my office after I write your case."
I handed him my I.D. and headed back to the cell blocks. When I got in, some guys ga-thered around me and asked about the sugar. I explained the situation and got different takes on my outcome. Some said the lieutenant was cool and would probably let  me make it, some were sure I'd be sent to medium custody. I was scared crapless, I won't lie. I knew that I would be fighting everyday on medium custody. That's where they kept a lot of the racist gangs and bad apples at. As soon as they found out I was  Jewish, oh man, it was all over. I started to pray in my head. Seriously.
About an hour passed and I was called to go to the lieutenant's office. I left the cell blocks and walked there, my heart pounding. "Please, God, let me get out of this, please, God, oh God
", I kept thinking over and over.
I knocked on the door and someone called me in. A sergeant was sitting behind the desk. "You Halprin?" he asked. "Yes, sir", I replied. He picked up my I.D. and handed it to me. "The Lieutenant says, get a different hustle. He's going to let you make  it, but next time he catches you even sneezing wrong, he's going to bust your ass. Go back to your cell." "Yes, sir!" I said, barely containing my relief. I got out of that office fast!
I always gave God the credit on that one, because really I should've been sent to Medium Custody. When I got back to the cell blocks, everyone asked me what happened. "I got off with a warning." Some couldn't believe it, some said, "I told you he was  cool
" After that I never made wine again (not to say I didn't drink it whole lot!)
Now the sun is disappearing behind a line of trees in the distance. I didn't get any mail :( Maybe I'll tell another prison story tomorrow. I've got about a billion of them.
Peace. Good night.

June 29, 2006
I feel so drained. Must be this heat. I went to bed around one in the morning, because I was listening to Rice University (KTRU), but I slept in until eight; so I was well rested. Boy, it's good to finally be able to sleep again. I've been doing well  this whole week.
It's 5:26 pm, and our whole section is still waiting on showers. We had extremely lazy guards today, so they're putting all of their work off on the second shift that comes in at six in the evening. This is always bad news, because then the second shift  guards are angry, that first shift didn't do their work and they take their anger out on us. This then creates a chain reaction and pisses off the inmates and the whole evening is unpleasant. My life

So, I was looking into the whole divorce process today and learned that I could probably qualify for an annulment because I was married by proxy. I think if this is possible, it's probably what I will do. I never intended to be divorced; so now that it's  inevitable, I might as well do it like the marriage never happened. That might come across as harsh to some, but I mean, when your marriage is built upon lies, what good is it anyways? Sorry
 My anger is coming out. I still feel betrayed. (Shrugs)
I didn't really do a whole lot today. I exercised, read, went to recreation and talked to a few people. Not a whole lot of excitement. I know my neighbor is getting on my nerves. He just stands at his door and raps the whole day long. I don't know if  he just wants at-tention or is lonely
But it's like, damn dude, give it a rest. Go read a book or some-thing. He keeps it up I might ask if he NEEDS something to read. Haha. Sheesh.
I just jumped on my bed and looked out the window. Not much going out there either. I can't see any birds. It's probably too hot for them to be flying around.
You know, prison is a scary place and the movies do a good job of showing all of the hor-rible things that go on, but for once they should make a movie that has all of the crazy funny things. Trust me; there were plenty of loony things that happened.
Well, now it's after six. They still have not started showers. Ugh.
I suppose I will close this here and wait for my shower and any mail I might get. Later!

June 30, 2006
Today has been sooo boring and it's probably an indication of what's to come for this Fourth of July weekend. Hmmm. What will I do?
I went outside this morning and played some basketball. I won 15 games to 5 :) I wanted to keep playing, but the guy I was playing with started being a sore loser and making all sorts of excuses as to why we should stop. Usually when this happens I give  my pep talk. You know, "C'mon! It's not about who's winning. It's about the run, man. Let's go!" If that doesn't work I do my little speech I stole from The Karate Kid. You know at the end of the movie when Daniel san is starting to get in the groove  of things and begins to kick some butt to the prick
and then the mean karate master guy says, "No mercy, Cobra kai. No mercy!" I say that and it usually gets a laugh and the other person  will start playing ball again. But alas, it didn't work. He just wanted to pout and make excuses.
I've gotten my buttocks beaten quite a few times and it does steal the wind from your sails, but I enjoy the exercise. To me, it's not really about winning. It's about running and feeling alive.
I don't know where this came from, and I don't know where I was going with it, really
but sometimes when I'm working out these thoughts flash across my head. Maybe it's from the blood  rushing through the brain. I don't know, but I'll stop for a second and jot it down on a piece of paper. (Same with my wacky inventions trust me you don't want to know about that!)  A lot of times I can't figure out where I was going and sometimes I'll think on it and it can turn out to be pretty profound.
So here's what flashed across my head: Death is inevitable. It's what you get out of this life that's important. Learning and growing isn't exclusive to people who are 'free'. True freedom is an inside job. They may have your body, but they can never  control your soul, your thoughts or dreams. What will you do with your life, before it's gone? What will you leave behind for others to learn from or see?
And I stopped there. I guess maybe I'm saying that while it's futile to fight death (it comes at any time. I mean, I don't necessarily have to be killed by the state. I could fall down the stairs going to recreation and break my neck
), it's best to understand that it's mine and everyone else's duty to leave behind something positive for those who inherit this world after us. Something we tend to forget. We get caught up in all of these other  things.
And don't realize that someone is coming in after us. It becomes their mess to deal with. And just because I'm locked in a cell all day long, how does that prevent me from leaving something positive behind?
Hmmm. What do you get from that thought?
Huh. Someone just gave me a Star Trek book
That's cool. I'm more of a Star Wars fan, though. I'll still read it. That was nice of him. J
I think I will stop here. Nothing exciting to talk about today. Peace.

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