As I write this it is a cool and rainy day. We've been having this on and off again weather and I'm wondering when spring is REALLY going to kick in. yeah, yeah, I know.. .with spring is comes rain, but with how depressing the winter weather was I'm just ready for some sunshine. It's something I've come to crave. To want and need so badly. It's kind of funny, actually. I used
to LOVE the grey, thb rain. It went hand in hadn with my sad and depressing internal dialogue I would ( still do, if I'm honest) have with myself. It inspired good, sad music and lyrics. I think that because I've been in solitary confinement for so long now ( going on, what 13 years?) I get giddy when sunlight pours through my window. When I can go outside and let the sun bake my pastey white skin. The sun is my god...
So, I'm back. The site/journals etc. were on a long hiatus for various reasons but I'm committed to this project more than ever now. Out of desire, out of necessity. I have been lollygagging around and not getting anything done.
In a way I felt a disconnect with myself as well. It's hard to explain. But I need Hthis. If there happens to be people reading along that's fine. I'm here to encourage, to discuss-
I'll be your verbal punching hag! I'm just here. I'm whatever. With or without you I'm just going to ramble on in my own head. You're there, but you're not.
( I'm really glad for those that are, though! Thank you!!!)
What's been happenin' Willis? Not much really. Well, that is not exactly true. Things have been happening and the constant never ending roller coaster this place can be-
The sun is out! Vay for sunshine! Seriously, it is an absolutely beautiful
day and I'm feeling pretty good. I'm having a good day-
out for it and as soon as it popped up as being filed they sent me an overall summary about it and I have to admit, I was a bit impressed. I'm happy so
far and while I know in my position it is like climbing Mt. Everest, I think I can allow myself a little optimism. I'm trying to stay grounded and not lose sight of the odds or the reality of it all, but I can atleast say that I'm pleased because I have honestly been scared to death about it all. To the point I've been having execution dreams again and those are worse than
any nightmare on the planet. At least for now, I can breathe a while and wait on the state, response. When I can get the full appeal I will try to get it posted.
Anyways, so my day started this morning at about 5:20 A.M. T went outside
to talk with someone and catch up and to get some exercise. It was still kind of cold for this time of the year in Texas, but it was a beautiful sunrise and I was able to get a really good jog in. I came in and started to write some letters and now as I listen to a radio program here I am. Once I finish
this I'm just going to kick back, read a little maybe do some more exercises
andchill the rest of the evening. I don't really have a lot on my mind because for the past few months it's been kind of anxiety filled so I'm kind of enjoying the blankness of it, but T do have plans at some point of getting more detailed in my writing so definitely stay tuned. Before I close ths particular entry
I read a really good op-
and he wrote about the experience of being in solitary confinement. It's something everyone shold read.
The title of the piece is called " My Night In Solitary confinement " by Rick Raemisch.
Look it up and think about it.
This is what
we deal with-
Have you ever had a week go from what seems to be awesome and then abruptly turn into the crappiest chain of events on the planet? You're like all " Tra lalalalalaaaa...Look! Sunshine, unicorns, gummy bears!" Then, you step into a big pile of dragon crap, look up and have your head roasted off by the very dragon whose crap you just stepped into. That is how friday was...
So, here's what happened: Earlier in the week I'd been given a heads up that my appeal had been filed on the 20th or 21st, the week previously ( or is previous week? My mind is all out of wack so if my grammar skills are lacking forgive me...) and by their opinion it wasn't bad at all. I was told had twelve claims and was given a brief summary of those claims. I was pretty psyched to say the least. Some other previous good fortune had come my way by a guy named William Rayford who is here on death row with me. He told me that the 5th circuit had remanded his appeal back to the Federal court on an In affective assistance of counsel claim against his trial attorney-
(never mind that William Rayford didn't even really have a capital case and was tried FOURTEEN DAYS AFTER HIS INDICTMENT which is just insane. How can you even prepare for trial in 14 days???) in my trial. Basically, that is the state's arguement. If the court rules in Rayford's favor I don't see how it can't
be of direct benefit for me because the state's arguement is moot at that point. I was feeling good. I was hopeful. There appeared to be a light at the end of the tunnel in terms of the long wait over the past year.
Friday the 28th came with little fanfare. It was actually a pretty nice day. I was able to get outside when the un was out. I exercised, laved in the sun so that I could make a futile attempt to give color to my corpse like skin and just enjoy the day. Came in, got straight into the shower and kicked back waiting on the mail. Unicorns and gummy bears dancing in my head.
Mail came. Theere was a large brown envelope but very thin and I thought,
" Surely this isn't the appeal that was filed?" I thought it had to be other wise. Maybe some print outs from the internet. Something else. But when I opened it up my stomach dropped. I saw the cover sheet of the appeal to the Federal court and thought " No.. .this isn't right. " I flipped through it and the entire things was a total of 12 pages and basically a form that was filled out. It was rife with spelling errors, it had my co-
I was literally scared shitless, shaking when I read my so called appeal. I thought, " Jesus! This guy is trying to get me killed." I'm sure that thrills the pro-
Fortunately, right now I'm aorund a few guys who've been through the appeals process and they could guide me in my next steps. We've kind of put together a game plan/strategy on what we need to do but I have such a limited ammount
of time to get it done. I've practically been working non-
morning on this. I'm waiting on some other things to get down to me that will help as well. This one guy I'm talking to is exceptional in what he knows about law and it's been a real benefit to be so close to him. One of the things I defintely thank my lucky stars for about being moved around from cell to cell/pod to pod so much. Where I'm sooo freaking an gry at myself is that I have such a basic understanding of appeal law.. .1 had such good state writ attorneys that while I did keep up with everything they did and I know my own case in and out, i think it made me lazy and naive in my trust of the federal attorney. You want to believe that a person is going to do the right thing when there's an abundance of proof/records/testimony that I'm not a killer. You want to lock me up, throw away the key for life? Fine. Is it something I want? No. Is it something I would just accept? yes. But I shouldn't be killed forsoemthing that I didn't do, didn't want to happen and wish didn't happen.
I have so much guilt, pain and remorse over it all. Doubters can think otherwise
but anyone who knows me knows this is true. It was a horrible horrible thing.
And yeah, I can get goofy and joke around and be a normal person in my daily dealings. I can make bad choices occassionally and do stupid stuff. But it doesn't change the absolute fact that that night and the whole escape isn't right there in my head and something I deal with every day. That's just the truth of it. It doesn't change, however, the fact that I'M , NOT A KILLER.
One of the guys who is helping me figure out what to do right now asked me this friday night: " Do you want to live?" I said, " Yes. " He said, "I'm
serious. Do you want to live or die. " I said, " I absolutely want to live." I think he was checking my heart and seeing if T was serious about doing what it will take to fight. I am a fighter. I'm a fast learner.
I REFUSE to throw the towel. in. T can't give up on this and thank GOD that I have people who love and care for me in my life. That I have so serious friends who want me to live as well. I think I can handle this and while I just got smacked upside the head with a very huge set of dragon testicles ( thank god I have a sense of humor as well or else I'd be freaking crazier than bath salt smoking cannibals) it's not over. I can hear that old dude in the Rocky movies screaming at me " I didn't hear no bell! Get up ya lazy bum!" Well, I'm up.
I'll keep everyone up to date as best as I can. I know that it takes a long
time to get these up on the site. Please be patient but most importantly-
I've got to get back to work so I'm going to put this in an envelope and get it out. I really do appreciate all those who've shown an interest in my life
and me as a person. Whether you've openly expressed it or sat bheind the monitor and thought it. I thank you and I hope to be around a long time to come...