October 18, 2017
Well, I thought today we'd be off of lockdown. I woke up at 5 a.m. for a hot breakfast after three long weeks of cold pancakes thrown into a bag. I thought, well, it's for sure we'll go to recreation today ! Nope.
We got showers, but no recreation. Maybe tomorrow.
It's his execution day and as he left B-
I don't often allow my mind to wander "there" but seeing things like this I can't help but think about what the feeling of getting up after sleep (if you even did sleep) and knowing it's your last day on earth.
What possibly goes through a person mind ? Everything you do is potentially a "last".
Are you hyper aware of every little thing ? Sights, smells, sounds and conversations ?
Does the voice of G-
I can only hope that Anthony Shore somehow has peace and finds remorse and forgiveness.
October 17, 2017
I woke up a bit agitated. I'm in a better mood now but with another execution pending tomorrow...
It just angers me when I hear politicians complain about where they'll find resources and money with all of these natural disasters exploding all across the north american continent when we're wasting millions trying to kill someone for pure revenge. Think of all the lives you will save instead of trying to kill a person instead of locking them up for life and potentially allowing them to change and give back to society.
We never seem to lack funding for wars/defense or for the implementation of the death penalty, but we can't take care of medical care or victims of natural disasters. Our priorities are all out of whack.
Otherwise I'm feeling okay. It's Tuesday and (hopefully) the last day of the lockdown.
The lieutenant passed by earlier and said everything "should" be back to normal tomorrow. I sooo look forward to being able to jog after three weeks of being kept up in a cell 24/7.
I started a little mindfulness routine this week after reading a book called
"Moments of mindfulness" by Thich Nhat Hanh.
It's a small book with a few words to medidate on for 52 weeks.
This week (my first) is:
The mind can go
In a thousand directions
But on this beautiful path
I walk in peace.
With each step
A gentle wind blows.
With each step
A flower blooms.
I'll reflect on these words throughout the day/week.
October 9, 2017
I had to give my brain a rest. I was starting to get a bit anxious. I have a few ideas that may or may not be good ones. In theory they're great ! But real world practicality ? We'll see...
Anyhow...It's Monday morning and we were expecting today to be the shakedown day but it's going to be tomorrow. They're doing A-
I woke up, exercised, washed up and decided to wash my sheets as well, ate the hard boiled egg and single pancake that was "breakfast" and now I'm writing. I thought I'd lighten things up today with a couple of funny things.
As I was exercising this morning the song "Genie in a bottle" by Christina Aguilera came on. It reminded me of this time when I was on Connally Unit. I had only been there for about a week or two and I didn't know my cell mate too well. He seemed a little odd, but cool and he was being really nice to let me use his radio when he was out of the cell. One night I went to sleep only to wake up to sounds of shuffling across the floor. I jumped up, thinking my cell mate was going to attack me but quickly noticed he was dancing like Michael Jackson as "Genie in a bottle" blared from his head phones. I yelled "celly ! celly ! what the hell are you doing ? it's 2:15 a.m.!"
He never stopped dancing, only said "when the music moves you, you gotta dance !" I thought "ooookay".
I mean, what was I going to do ? He was right -
It still makes me laugh thinking about it.
I probably spend the rest of the day getting all my stuff organized for the shakedown tomorrow. I really want it to be over with !
I ran across this poem in a magazine the other day. It really spoke to me. It's taken from the Old Norse poem Havamal:
Pets die, friends die,
Yes and you die,
I know one thing that does not die,
The word a man leaves behind.
October 5, 2017
I slept in late today. I'm normally out of bed at around 5:30 a.m. or 6 and slept till about 8:30 a.m. Maybe because I'm stressed. Who knows. I just didn't want to get up. I didn't have any trouble getting to sleep. I rarely do.
I've never been an insomniac and I don't take naps unless I'm really exhausted. Anyways, it felt good to sleep in.
I've been thinking about faith, G-
I think it had more to do with the absolute frustration of seeing people of all faiths use their religion to justify killing people, hating people different than you, etc...It just became too much for me and I began to consider myself more agnostic than anything. I still identified as being jewish but was like, you know -
I'm tired of seeing what religion is doing to this world ! It's ripping us apart. Every now and then I would still find myself saying a prayer for someone or "talking" to G-
I heard a Rabbi on NPR the other day say that part of faith is doubt. I kind of get it.
I don't get why "he" allows suffering or for mankind to hurt one another but just as human beings have an incredible propensity for violence, we also have an amazing ability for goodness and compassion -
I'd be an idiot to think I deserve any prayer answered over the millions of more deserving souls. All I can hope is to get a consideration. I realize now that is what faith really is.
October 4, 2017
Sometimes I really hate my brain, I hate being neurotic, I hate getting anxious and over thinking things, but the more I think about my appeal, the more restless I get. You know what I feel like ? I feel like a guy that was just diagnosed with cancer. I want to know how long I might have, I want to know what treatment. I want to know how good the doctor is and if he thinks I can make it. I feel like I received a diagnosis in the mail with little explanation. It sucks. Whatever it is, I want to do the opposite of Walter White and make something positive out of it. I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying to be focused but the more I think, the more anxious I get. I don't have the switch that some people have where I can shut off my emotions, shut off the thinking part of my brain. Maybe I need a lobotomy. I'd gladly accept it right about now...I just need a miracle. I know there are so many more deserving people than me around. I feel so selfish for even asking. I don't know ! Argh ! I hate -
Woke up this morning, exercised, got a shower and now I'm writing. As far as I know they're starting on C-
October 3rd, 2017
It felt inappropriate to write anything yesterday after the news about the mass shooting in Las Vegas. I didn't wake up until 7:00 a.m. and my first thought of the day was "why aren't the guards doing showers ?" I grumbled, rolled over and turned on my radio and put it on NPR to hear the news. Over 50 dead, hundreds shot and injured. My stomach dropped and my eyes filled with tears. It's insane and makes no sense.
I felt real shitty at that moment...How do I go through the day and worry about my appeals and own life when these people, some of them having probably never hurt a single person in their entire life, never had a chance. It just seemed inappropriate in that moment to spend a journal entry even mentioning it. I hope their souls are at peace and I commend everyone who helped amidst the chaos, the police, the paramedics, etc...No doubt they saved countless lives. That is the true spirit of America.
I was a bit surprised that they ended up moving me last night. I remained on the same pod, just a section over, but I lost my great view. For the past month I had a perfect view of the front of the prison: the parking lot, the side walk that leads to the visitation building/administration building. I'd spend hours staring out my window watching the world go by. The thing that brought the biggest smile (and a few teary eyes) was watching the family members that brought kids in. The games they'd play on the side walk, running, skipping. There was a brother and sister one time. They couldn't have been more than five and seven. The brother would walk fast to get away from the sister. The sister would run to catch up. The brother would walk faster, the sister would run to catch up. This went on for over 30-
I settled in, cleaned my cell up and was in bed by 10:15 p.m. Got up at about 7:00 a.m., exercised, bird bathed in my sink and now I'm sitting here, lost in my own head.
October 1st, 2017
Life is full of surprises and I guess even knowing that things can unexpectedly happen, people still get complacent. It's called living. Even back here, with the possibility of an unnatural death looming over our heads we tend to just move on. People get caught up in penpals, football/sports, politics,...whatever they need to keep their minds off of why they are actually here. We're not unlike cattle on green delicious grass until we're rustled up, put on a truck and taken to the slaughter house. Hey, the grass was good. I'm just as guilty of this, even though I do take a mindful approach to my life. I keep a routine. I'm structured. I keep up with my legal stuff and even with all of that it is still a shock when the federal court denies your appeal. With every thing that had been going on, fighting for a new attorney, multiple judges playing musical chairs, etc...the LAST thing I expected was to be denied amongst all of the chaos.
Oddly enough, I'm not as panicked as I thought I would be entering into the 5th circuit (the last stage of the appeal unless a miracle occurs and the Supreme Court decides to take a look at a person's appeal). Am I scared ? Sure. But I also accept that I have little control over what happens next. I did get a new attorney and I hope like hell he's good and will do all that he can to fight and of course I will do what I can to fight, but hope...faith...G-
Over the past couple of days my thoughts have been on the process of the death penalty, why we have the death penalty in the U.S., how as people we decide who gets to live, who gets to die, the unfairness of the application...and my will to live. It's easy for a person to say "if you kill you forfeit your life". If only it were that easy and I guess if it was truly applied that way the population of earth would probably be half of what it is today. There are thousands of killers in General Population right now, here in Texas, watching T.V., getting contact visits, even having jobs. While only a couple hundred sit on death row in a legal limbo waiting to DIE. There are cases under Texas law of parties where the actual killer was given a life sentence by a jury while the person who maybe just drove the getaway car or didn't participate in the murder was given death. Is that a fair application of capital murder ? I could give a hundred examples of how it's arbitrarily applied. The system is built on "justice" ? The system is built on bullshit. Then, back here...It's easy to feel defeated or frustrated when you watch a guy who was extremely fortunate to get an attorney who is dedicated and deligent. One who does not believe in capital punishment in every fiber of their being and pulls no punches. They'll fill everything under the sun to see if it sticks and then the next thing you know, you're watching a guy you know isn't mentally retarted receive a life sentence for mental retardation while the guy who really is mentally deficient or ill has a shitty ass attorney who does the bare minimum on his appeals and the guy ends up being executed. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy when a person leaves this place on a bus and not in a body bag. I just get frustrated at how unfair the place is. But also...I'm only human. It might be a selfish way to think at times, "why does he get to live or get action on his case and the dude is guilty as fuck ?!" I instantly feel guilty/bad for having those thoughts, but geeze...I'm sitting here for something I truly didn't do. Something my co-
I don't believe in the death penalty. Seeing what I have seen for the past 14 years...if a believer in the death penalty saw the same things it will be impossible to not feel the way I do. To know how fucked up the system really is. And don't misunderstand me, I'm in no way playing the victim role. Even though I'm not a murderer, I do accept that choices I made in life lead me here where I am now.
I just want a chance, a chance to prove that I'm not that stupid, naive 23 years old that escaped anymore. That I'm not as impulsive as I once was. That while not perfect, I try to live my life being mindful of others, empathetic and compassionate. Yeah, I get angry, frustrated, pissed...but show me a single human being on this planet that doesn't ! I don't think I'm a good person, I KNOW I'm a good person. I just want a chance to prove to the people I care about that if my life were spared it wouldn't go to waste. I would make a positive mark in the world. I have so many ideas I'd love to be able to make a reality if I lived. I would show the public that the right choice was made if my life was spared.