Today is the beginning of a new month and marks 12 days until I turn 30. Yikes. I didn´t go to recreation today.
I needed to catch up on some sleep. This past week has left me quite restless.
I wanted to write something I read recently from a book of wisdom. A man asks a Rabbi a question:
"Something has been bothering me Rabbi… Slavery, wars, stealing land from Indians…how could all of these things happen in our country? I don´t understand.
Where was God?”
The Rabbi thought for a second, then responded with a question of his own:
"Where were people?”
It´s almost 4:00 A.M. Rain in on the horizon as great thick ugly grey clouds are creeping into the area. I can see lots of horses out in a pasture. There are four or five really pretty horses among the others. One horse keeps wandering up to a group of other horses and when he gets close the others pull up ahead. What´s up with that? Ha Ha.
I don´t know why but today I feel so lonely. I can´t explain it other than being in this cell with no one to talk to or anything to do and it really sucks. I´m listening to KDOL, but no calls for me have come in and to be honest it´s really annoying to listen to a bunch of people talk about mind-
So I´ll add this useless information:
New Cure album December 5th, a double disc.
Today has been boring, rainy and depressing. My loneliness is pretty smothering today. You know like you want to just cry on a shoulder, but there is no one there. I looked out my window and watched rain fall and thought,
“God, it’d be nice to run out in that field as the rain falls down.”
But I can´t. I´m stuck in this God forsaken cell.
I slept pretty well last night. Surprisingly my sleep did not get interrupted one single time until I woke up at 8:00 A.M. I'm still a little down, but what can I do? I have no control over my brother or any other situation and loneliness comes and goes in this place. You take the punch but keep on moving.
A funny incident happened today while I was out at recreation. Apparently a guard had misplaced a set of handcuff keys as they were picking up trays from lunch. This sent the guard into panic mode when he realized they were gone. A swarm of guards came into the pod and began looking everywhere. About forty-
comes out and says, "I found the keys." The guard that lost the keys then remembered he had gone to wash his hands after picking up trays and left them on the basin. I tell the sergeant, "I guess you always assume us inmates are up to some sort of devious behavior, huh?" The sergeant scowls at me and walk off.
The sun is out right now, but it's supposed to rain again.
(Later that evening) It's raining now, realistically and metaphorically speaking. Rain
It's 6:19 A.M. I'm about to go outside. I was going to try to sleep in and skip recreation, but because all I did was toss and turn throughout the night I told myself, screw it; you'll never get back to sleep anyway. Oddly enough, right now I'm not even tired even after only getting probably two hours sleep total. Okay, gotta go. I shall return.
8:47 A.M. I've just returned from recreation. It drizzled a little, but other than that it was mind clearing. I was going to come back and talk about how I'm destined to be without love, etc., but I'll save the self pity. I hurt, but soon that will pass. I will say that those who think being locked up is easy have it completely wrong. You're not only locked away from the world, but from being human to a degree. I've written about things taken for granted, but how about love and happiness and relationships and family and life. True freedom is an internal thing, but the human spirit still has longings, desires, emotions. I'm mostly past my material desires. Now I have emotional ones and it flat out sucks to be in a place in which emotion is used as a weapon against you. Taking my life isn't a punishment (although it doesn't make it right). Taking my heart is.
Anyway, on a happier note…while I was outside I received my first birthday gift-
It's relatively quiet right now and I need a nap. Before it gets too loud I might write more later on.
Does it ever end? My cell has sprung a leak and I'm taking on water! Aaaah! I can't take it anymore!
Today I'm slightly irritated…It seems that TDCJ just takes and takes. Now they are start-
Do you realize how much paper it would take to get
even an ounce? No inmate on earth is going to pay ten bucks for a ream of colored paper for an ounce of dye. No, it comes down to control and complacency on the part of in-
Sometimes when you're irritated guards are aware of it and there are some who will try to push and poke at you. There's one particular guard working today who not even his own co-
I don't think it had been even five minutes when the guard comes back around as I'm shaving my head and pounds on the little glass window with his handcuffs. I turn and look out the window and yell over the water, "That's a little unnecessary!" I mean, he was hitting the window hard. I finish up and wipe the steam off of the Plexiglas and start to dry off really slow. I'm watching him as I do this and you could see that he was agitated. When I get out of the shower I tell him, "What's the rush? Whether you like it or not, you're stuck here until shift change." A scowl was the only reply I received.
Other than all the garbage it is a really lovely day. I should've tried to get out-
I saw something I had never seen before since I've been on death row. I had just gotten up from a nap because I went out to recreation at 6:30 A.M. and really exercised hard with a new workout plan. By the time I took a shower I was pooped. I get up and just on a whim I decide to look out my window to see what the horses are up to. I stood on my bed and peered out across the field and noticed dozens of white herons swoop down to land on the grass. They were so beautiful to watch. Big, graceful with their long necks and bright yellow beaks. I yelled for other guys in their cells to check them out and eve-
Last night I received an interesting letter that had two addresses where my brother might be living. Well, one address was the one he had been staying at, and the other I'm guessing is where he's living. It's in Argyle and that's where my biological family lives. I haven't been in contact with them for years now. Actually, it's been just about four years, but I thought it would be interesting to tell the story of them.
My brother and I were adopted when we were little kids. Wesley was taken away by the state before I was and so we were separated for a short time. I met up with him again in a foster home in Dallas. The foster family had wanted to adopt Wesley, but not me. I was fortunate that I had a social worker who did not want Wesley and me to separate. Later on a family from Arlington adopted us when I was five and Wesley was two.
My parents never tried to hide from us things about my biological family. We had pictures and of course I had many memories-
Fast forward to 2002. I was awaiting my trial. My brother had been in and out of jail and fortunately for him, I think he had a sympathetic judge who gave him one last chance and ordered him to a drug rehabilitation program. He finished that and was released on probation, though he still had orders to continue to take drug counseling classes.
One night when the guard brought my mail I noticed a letter with an unfamiliar name and address. I thought, huh, a new pen pal and opened the letter. It was written in a
hard to decipher scrawl much like my own handwriting and the grammar was horrible, but I read through it and was amazed by what this lady was saying
As I read those words I didn't really know how to feel about it. I'd always treated my childhood with indifference, not really understanding the complete emotional and psycho-
Our first visit was very difficult. Probably more so for her. I noticed that despite the very hard years that were etched into her face that she was once a beautiful woman. Our eyes were identical. When she first saw me she started crying and walked away from the visi-
Time passed and my trial was coming up. She disappeared (for reasons I can't disclose due to my current appeals) and I felt she hadn't really changed who she was. A lot of empty promises were made and broken.
When I came to death row I still kept in contact. I had been pushing for her to meet my wife at the time, and I wanted to build some sort of quasi family. It didn't work. More broken promises. By this time I was determined to really turn my life around. When you stare death in the face you tend to want to make life-
A year ago I decided to write to my biological mother and tell her that if she was willing to make changes in her life, I'd love to try again, but I never received a response.
I wrote all of this to get to a point and tie it in with the address I received last night. I recently read a book called The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It's really a simple, but beau-
Not much else to report on today. I'm waiting for a good music program to start and then I plan on reading the rest of the afternoon.
It's a little after midnight and I'm settling into my new cell. I was moved from C-
As I was waiting for my new cell, one of the female officers standing nearby asked me how old I was. I thought this was a strange question, as it came out of nowhere and so I said, "I turn 30 tomorrow." She looked around to see if any other guards were paying attention, lowered her voice and said, "Happy Birthday." That was cool.
Finally I was told I'd be moving into 81 cell. It's not a bad cell at all, but I have no view. There'll be no watching the horses for a bit
I'm tired now and technically speaking I'm 30. Five years ago being up past midnight would've been nothing to me. Now I just want to get some sleep. Good night.
Happy Birthday to me. What was that one Saturday Night Live skit in which one lady with the really tight red pants would say, "I like to kick, stretch, then kick again: I'm 50! 50 years old!" Well, I'm 30! 30 years old!
I've dreaded this day for so long. I mean, I've had a bona fide fear of my thirties. It's silly and I'm not the superstitious kind of person, but when I was 16 a weird thing hap-
Anyway, it's actually been a pretty good birthday. Earlier today one of my friends sur-
Not much else to report around here.
I'm so sore. I've been doing this new cardio workout and it's really beating me up. Plus I jogged for 20 minutes today. I'm hungry and sore.
I haven't really accomplished much today. I've just been lounging around. My mind is pretty blank. Sometimes the days are just a blank sheet of paper. Oh! (Thank God for word association!) I almost forgot… I had mentioned that TDCJ is changing it's stationary policy. Well, I wrote the mail room supervisor here on Polunsky and asked her to give a full disclosure of what will be considered "colored paper," as rules are often left to a unit's own interpretation. She wrote back saying that she was not going to allow us to write on anything but white paper. Period. Furthermore she was not going to allow letters that come in from the outside that are written or printed on colored paper. So…for those that do write to guys on Polunsky Unit or any other prison unit, after October 1st do not send us anything written on colored paper or the letter will be denied. This is important to remember.
I do feel this is a very broad and unfair interpretation of the Administrative Policy that was put into place by TDCJ, so I'm asking everyone who does have contact with inmates within this system to write letters and even to start a petition in protest of such extrem-
Remember: October 1st, 2007.
I suppose on that note I shall end this entry for today.
Good ol' Saturday. It's bright and sunny. Pretty hot, too. I don't have recreation today, so I'm just lounging around my cell, listening to the radio and catching up on writing. Very exciting stuff. Actually I'm bored out of my ever loving mind.
I'm taking a day's rest today from exercising, but I'm so bored that I'm considering hit-
What a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Some friends called into KDOL and gave some very wonderful and cheerful messages. Sun is pouring through my window and I've managed to stay busy all day long. In fact, I'm beginning to wind down as I wait for dinner. Once I finish up I'll start reading a Dean Koontz collection. I am not really a big fan of hack writ-
Last night I heard a bunch of good music, but what surprised me the most was hearing the full seven minute album version song of The Cure's "Pictures of You" on that new station called "Jack." At first I thought it would be a radio edit, which is like three mi-
I also heard a bunch of new wave songs that I've never heard before, and I thought I'd heard just about ALL new wave music. I love when I hit music gold. You turn out the lights, lie on your bed and just get lost in it and for a brief moment you forget you're in this god forsaken place.
Dinner is here.
First, I am so sorry there were no entries for last week, but I think I threw them away. Sometimes I get so much junk I just begin to chuck stuff and whenever that happens I always lose something. Once I almost lost thirty $.41 stamps. Oy! So, this time I think I lost my journals. Then this week for the most part I've been dealing with a tooth ache that has made it impossible to do anything. This morning I was feeling better. Right now as I type this I'm waiting for my friend from Germany who posts my journals to visit. I'm not exactly sure when he'll arrive, but I'm ready and anxious. I'm so grateful for all he's done and I can't wait to tell him. I can only hope that I make a good impression on him.
Hey, time for a visit…
Wow…it's afternoon now and I'm still emotionally high from such a great visit…There was a complete surprise and it blew me away, but Josef made it possible and I cannot thank him enough. Right now, I can't go into details, but soon there will be pictures that should be self explanatory. All I can say is that I haven't had a late birthday as good as this in many, many years. I mean, my heart is filled with so much love and hope right now. I just want to pour it out…In time.
Meeting Josef was wonderful. Such a calm, kind and compassionate man. Really amaz-
I'm so overloaded now. A visit like this will just knock you right off your feet and now I want to take a nap. I'm really tired. I can't wait until the pictures are posted.
Another wonderful day! So much love, so much happiness…My day started off at 6:00 A.M. I went outside and called my neighbor out to play basketball. It was a cool and easy sunrise and I thought, surely, I'm going to beat this guy's butt. Well, I didn't. I got stomped ten games to two. What made it even worse is the guy was 50 years old! Sheesh. I thought, well that's no way to start my day…Ha-
I came in and showered and shaved, then shortly after was called to my visit. Right be-
So I go to my visit and we take many more photographs and have a really good time. It's all about the love, giving and receiving it.
I came back and relaxed the rest of the afternoon. Long visits like that can really be tax-
Outside of that I wanted to give an update on the paper rule. Due to the outside pressure of family and friends, they've amended the rule. We (inmates) will be allowed to use co-
On that note I shall bid thee ado. Good night. Blessings. And most of all Love and Peace.
A beautiful Saturday. I'm just relaxing and enjoying the afternoon, still reflecting on the past visits. So precious and important to me. Something that my soul needed, not just as a cleansing, but as an affirmation that our destinies are not set in stone. That regardless of our situations whatever walks of life they might be, we choose and can change our paths. God, the universe, whatever it is, I believe is bendable and workable and we have to realize who we are and what we can become. I have a drive and desire now that I have not had in years-
So when I went to recreation I was able to talk to my Jewish buddy, "Big Foot." We talked about a lot of great things and I went on and on about how great my visits were. He's starting a new myspace page that I hope to have a link to soon. He's very passio-
It's been so hot the past couple of days. I hope that fall gets here soon. I'm ready for it. They've already passed out blankets, but they're of no use yet :( That sucks. Ha-
Well, I will just wait and wait and wait. Fall come on! What good is listening to "It's the great pumpkin, Charlie Brown" if it's not cool?
Guess I'll close her for now. Peace everyone. Peace.
Geeze, as if this end of the month couldn't get any better, I was able to make a very special phone call which was really great. And now as I type this Josef just called into the radio program. Wonderful…with these visits and with all the love I've experienced over the past few days I couldn't keep the tears in anymore. It's just an amazing wonderful thing. I just don't even have the words to express anything right now. All I know and feel is that for everyone who is fighting and everyone who has the heart and wonderful and
compassionate souls to love us guys who have been forgotten by much of the world…change is coming.
I know this.