I woke up this morning a bit sad, missing my family. I guess writing or re-
I'm not really a person who believes in signs or things of that nature. Have I been guilty of seeing more into something than is really there ? Sure. I think we all do it. But recently, I've been seeing SO much and it's hard for me to separate the rational from the irrational. I fear I'm falling victim to my own confirmation bias. But...I do want to believe. I want to believe there's more to this existence. That this life, whatever our experiences may be for better or worse, are for a reason greater than us. Recently a Rabbi reached out to me, and it came suddenly out of the blue and right before Rosh Hashanah, no less...He mentioned an interest in visiting me and I was ecstatic. To possibly point me in the right direction to answer my own questions of why...Why this life ? Why are each of us given completely different experiences and struggles ? Why do crappy people sometimes seem to be given everything and those whom are truly good souls have it so rough ? All sorts of questions. I'm open to the answers, though. I'm getting back to a place or wanting to go back to a place I haven't been in years.
I'm sorry that I've not posted anything in a couple of weeks...I've just been so busy with other stuff and trying to get everything in order for the shakedown that we all knew and expected to come. Well, it did...I was waiting on a visit Monday the 14th and was scheduled for recreation at about the same time as I expected the visit. The guards pretty much told me I had to go to rec right then and there and I was like "Alright, but I've told you that I am expecting a visit any minute and I expect that I will get the rest of my time back if I should leave ?" He said yes he just needed someone to go right then and there.
As I was walking around in the dayroom the control picket officer called for the guards working the pod to come to the window and I heard her say "Lock everything down. Rack the dayrooms up...no showers". Now I wasn't sure if this would turn into a false alarm because on Saturday the 12th they shut everything down due to a shortage of workers/guards. So I asked the guard working the pod "Is this a false alarm or the real deal ?" He said it was the real deal and so I yelled out for everyone to hear:
"LOCKDOWN ! THIS ISN'T A HOAX...IT'S THE REAL DEAL !!!"
About that same time some escorts guards showed up to take me to my visit.
I did manage to have a good birthday on Sunday, though. I'm near some friends fortunately and so we made tacos and my neighbor made some kind of cream cake...Now, I'm sure you're raising an eyebrow on that one, but it tasted like the real deal. He used powdered milk, packets of cream cheese and made the crust out of crushed cookies. I was impressed ! I guess it's the same principle as those no-
I had some pretty decent new appeal wise and I have some renewed hope. At the very least, if things go as planned I'm hoping it will slow the process down, give my attorney some breathing room (and me !) and it won't be as stressful as it has been the last year or so. I need prayers and lots of hope for sure as it is an uphill battle...Gotta keep the good vibes flowing. I'm happy with what was filed and we'll see how it all develops.
I have a lot of things to write about topic wise and will over the coming days...My head has been a jumbled mess of thoughts and even when I'm really busy I'll write things down -
To be continued...
An official week now on lockdown. Not that I don't mind. I can't speak for general population or even Ad-
I've been mostly reading, working my way through the "His Dark Materials" trilogy and I'm just amazed and astounded with the language of the book and the subject matter as I was the very first time I read the book. Phillip Pullman uses the guise of "fantasy" to pull the reader into heavier subject matter such as religion, God, free will and science. If I could describe it in simple terms it is Pullman's answer to "The Chronicles of Narnia"...whereas C.S. Lewis used fantasy and analogy as a way to introduce readers to christianity, Pullman wants his readers to question those very ideas. I mean, anyone who starts a novel with an excerpt from Paradise Lost is pulling you into something interesting. I think the more interesting concept the book makes you think about is free will and consciousness...where does it come from ? Is it divine in nature or is it something that any creature can attain ? I mean, look at nature...We know for a fact Homo Sapiens aren't the only species that has self awareness. My friend Robert spends a great deal of his day watching birds outside of his window and strongly believes that they are at a level of higher consciousness than humans are. I mean being smart humans doesn't necessarily equate to a higher state of awareness. Birds aren't constrained the way we are. They don't have the self made worries that human have. We spend a great deal of our time on this planet worrying about stupid things like how to pay the phone bill...Humans kill one another not from a state of nature or survival, but instead just because we can...That doesn't sound like a very evolved state of thinking. Birds are free to go wherever, whenever they want. Their only limitation is that of food...
And so, normally a naturally fast reader, I'm really pouring over these books. Taking my time. Thinking, wondering...Of course, there are many other things on my mind right now as well and maybe one of these days I'll indulge but for now they stay inside of my head.
I had an interesting memory pop up today. I was brushing my teeth and suddenly I was about five years old and in my childhood foster home. Now, I'd been in a couple of foster homes by this time, but was a bit more settled. I was reunited with my brother, Wesley and it was just a matter of time before the adoption social workers would find us a permanent family. Or so I hoped. My memory is a bit foggy about where exactly we were but I remember being in the Dallas area, a ways away from the urban sprawl, out in the country somewhere. I remember lots of land, gravel roads and scorpions...a butt load of scorpions. They were small and an almost translucent yellowish color. They inhabitated spaces everywhere and you always had to be careful. I remember being told to always shakeout my shoes and never walk around barefooted. But who tells a kid not to run around the country barefooted ? We were careless and carefree.
There's something special about being a child...little worries, curiousity of every little thing. In someway a kid touches on the precipice of divinity and holiness. For a child curiousity isn't the same as an adult. A child's questions aren't filled with cynicism and doubt that an adult has. There is a wide eyed wonder and innocence shining brighter than the brightest sun in the universe. I can remember the level of imagination and creativity I had growing up and sometimes I wonder to myself, where the hell did it go ? I mean, I was the kid that truly believed that if I thought about it hard enough I could build, with some help of course, a working prototype of the Proton Pack used to battle ghosts in Ghost Busters ! I would start my own business fighting ghosts. When I first watched the movie "The Explorer", I set out, with my best friend Chad to build a workable spaceship...I wanted to create the little invisible force field bubble that would take us to the heavens. When I watched the movie "Monster Squad" Chad and I once again set out to fight the Wolfman and Frankenstein's monster ourselves...
My imagination was so wild and extravagant that I wonder if it wasn't in itself, its own defense mechanism against the real life monsters in the world.
But back to the foster home...Down the gravel road some distance was a house with a girl about the same age as me. I don't know how we met, but I remember during that summer we were very close. I remember running through the woods and sitting in the yard drinking ice cold lemonade her mother made us. In the evening, if I didn't have to go back home I'd sit in their living room watching Wheel of Fortune with her.
A particular memory that makes me smile to this day and makes me think that wow...Randy, you've always been the hopeless romantic type full of huge romantic gestures was when we went to some kind of country club. I don't know if it was on a golf course or what. I just remember the actual club house with a dining area and a swimming pool with a slide. Me and the little girl spent the day swimming (I was eager to show off my newly learned aquatic skills) and going down the slide. Sometime in the evening we went into the dining area and had dinner. In the distance there was a television airing an episode of Wheel of Fortune. I turned to the little girl and grabbed her hand. "One day I'm gonna buy you that dress !" Because back in the day Vanna White was known for how beautiful and elegant her dresses were...
Sometimes, like this morning, I wonder who the little girl was and where she is now. I wonder if she remembers anything about me and if she shares the same innocent memories that I have floating around my head.
Well, who knows what the rest of the week shall bring. I'm going to do some other writing and get this entry into the mail.
I woke up to the most amazing sunrise this morning. My cell walls, which are surprinsingly white and graffiti free -
Another day of lockdown and no one knows how long it will carry on. From what I've heard they're shaking down D-
Man...my neighbor is getting on my nerves ! I'm trying to be patient with him but he calls me every five minutes to ask a question or to do this or that. Really annoying. I'm sitting on my bed reading or writing and trying to focus my thoughts on it and then he'll call me. I go to the door, answer his question and then argh-
Besides reading the trilogy I'm reading, I went over my recently filed appeal response and I do have to say that it was really well written. The state, in my opinion has little to hang their hat on other than I was there, I escaped, my initial crime which I have the utmost regret, remorse and self hate for...worse thing ever and if anyone ever feels I don't then you couldn't be further from the truth. It's difficult to forgive myself, even when I know deep down inside of my own heart and soul -
The other thing is my tendency to lie during those years...I look back and wonder why and I think it comes down to the fact I truly didn't know who I was...I think from the period of 13 to probably 25 years old I was just lost and trying to figure out where I fit in this world. I never felt like I had an identity, if that makes sense. And then I had the problem of lying to get out of perceived messes I was in and inevitably would just lead to bigger messes...It wasn't until coming to death row that I looked inward, began to sift through the bs and FIND myself. At a certain point, even though I do care about what people think at times, I had to stop caring about what people thought of me. I realized that just being me and embracing the flaws I have and problems and faults...and ultimately striving to be better and fix the things I can and not be all neurotic over the things I can't (even if that is very hard 'cause I'm insanely neurotic and feel like my world's ending when I lose control over something). I can say through out my life that I've never intended to hurt someone emotionally or even physically. Sometimes the road to hell is paved with good intentions...Being impulsive and reactive has always been my biggest problem...But I look back and I've said it before: who of us is the same as we were when we are 18/23/25/35 years old ? I'm 38 and while I see certain similarities of my 18 and 25 year old self, I'm definitely NOT the same person. All you have to do is read my journals back to 2005 or so...
Yom Kippur is tomorrow and part of that is seeking forgiveness for those you've wronged and such. If I could go to each person I ever lied to or betrayed intentionally or unintentionally, I would and if there's anyone out there who knew me then I hadn't gotten in touch with...I'm deeply sorry. I have so many regrets and remorse in life. I don't understand how some people say they have no regrets...Really ? So, admittedly you have made no self evolution, no progress in your own life ? Because I see that the only way to grow and be better is by having regrets and remorse...
The unexamined life is not worth living, said one of the great ancient philosophers.
Still on lockdown. Rumor is that it will be for another week or so. That is fine with me. I woke up this morning, said a prayer for Yom Kippur and asked forgiveness of those I've wronged and to go forward in this new year to be stronger and better...We had showers and so I went to wash and shave and have been writing most of the morning. I'm just about done with the His Dark Material books. Should finish it up this afternoon. This is silly, but close to the end of the second book The Subtle Knife, I was in tears over one line...A little information on the book without spoiling it though: so, in the second book a new character, a young teen named Will is introduced. Will is from our world (throughout the series there are multiple worlds and universes...a kind of hint at string theory and multiuniverses) while the main character, a young girl named Lyra is from another world that is similar to ours but there are minute differences. Like our souls for example. Their souls are called daemons and take the shape of animals that reflect their self...or their "shadow self" (reference in psychology and philosophy). Our daemons, or souls are on the inside of us...Circumstances through the two together when the fabric of the universe is ripped open and Lyra and Will meet in another world that is also similar to both of their worlds...Will was on a quest to find his father, whom he grew up without ever knowing, and when he finally does meet up with him is killed (the father that is) before they are able to realize that each is father and son...and it was this line that got me: "What he couldn't say was that he longed for his father as a lost child years for home". Ugh...I know exactly that feeling and it made me only miss my own father even more.
So, with Yom Kippur today and the striving towards something greater within and beyond myself...I realize that once again I do need to make some adjustments in my life and self. I think it has been one of the reasons I've felt more content keeping to myself for the past week or so. Hopefully they'll lead me to something greater in understanding.I'm feeling very contemplative right now.
I'm not particulary religious, that feeling of oneness and closeness with God that I had as a kid eludes me, but I ran across an interesting prayer by a catholic saint -
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may
Not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love,
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Life is amazing, wonderful and full of surprises...even when it seems you're at your darkest hour, when it is you vs. the world, somehow a ray of light penetrates through the hopelessness and lights the way...
There's a song by U2 that I like to refer to a lot when the chips are down and people are sad, depressed and whatever...because I know the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I know the feeling of complete futility...The song is called "Stuck in a moment". I first heard this song after the escape and on the run. Basically the song sums up to this: when you are in a storm...it is just that: a storm. It's going to pass eventually. Life is like that. We go through cycles of good and bad. I think it is how we perceive the storm. If we wake up and one thing goes bad and we immediately say "well, shit, it's going to be a bad day" isn't it usually ? You're kind of set in and expect a bad day. When you wake up and bad things happen and you say instead "Well, that sucked ! But...I'm not going to let it ruin my day". Don't you usually end up having a decent day after all ?
I'm guilty of the doom and gloom mindset...more times than I want to admit. But I've been on a nice roll of good things and I want to keep pressing for good things to continue to happen and if I hit a road bump, well, I'm trying to not let it derail me with my good intent and forward thinking. Good things are happening right now and I can't explain why or how...I mean, a few things are just beyond reason...But I am grateful for them and I'm glad and I'm embracing them for the wonder they are.
Today is another day on lockdown and no end in sight. It's all good though and boy are they cleaning this place up ! They came through recently with a power washer and hosed everything down back here top to bottom. I don't think our runs and dayrooms have been cleaned like that in years. Sure, they'll come through mop, half ass wipe things down and even buff the floor with a buffer and steel brush, but they don't really clean...like, ever ! When they power washed the floors the other day the water was black...like BLACK and thick as mud. It was gross to see. Being a bit of a neat freak I cringed as the water was pushed into the drains. I mean, I drag books and snacks across that floor...Ugh !
I kind of like some of the things this new administration is doing. For example, it used to be if you were in a messed up cell, say the toilet broke, or your sink didn't work properly-
Of course, there are inconveniences...like now when anyone is moved they take us to a cell and while we are waiting they search and x-
I took the weekend off from EVERYTHING to relax my mind and settle into the first Star Wars book "Aftermath" which fills in the details of what happened after the destruction of the second death Star in Return of the Jedi...Of course, this is first book that leads into the new movie coming out in December called "The Force Awakens"...I really eager (Oh, I should add it was an awesome birthday gift so thank you-
Anyways, there are supposed to be other books coming out soon so maybe they will be better and they will give a better glimpse of what is to come. I'm such a huge fan of Star Wars, I mean, for like my entire life and I'm not going to throw the towel in because one book kind of sucked.
In other news...I heard on Friday's news that apparently Texas has so many execution drugs in stock they can just give stuff away to other states and Texas has come to the aid of Virginia who now has three batches by courtesy of this great state ! Now, I'm not expert on federal drug laws, FDA or DEA but it does beg a few questions...One, I thought it was illegal to sell or use a licensed drug outside of its untended use. By using a prescribed drug that is primarily used as anthestitic to KILL someone, when its intention for healing, doesn't that qualify ? Two, I also thought it was illegal to sell or give someone else a drug to another person who has not been prescribed such drug. So, say I have a prescription to a pain killer...If I take said pain killer and give it to Sam or sell it to Sam, I could be arrested for the distribution of a controlled substance. Why are the feds turning a blind eye to practice ?
I heard an interesting tactic being employed as a tool in the fight to end mass incarceration and I was thinking that it could be applied to the practice of the death penalty and I think that at some level it has been, but I don't see how it can't go hand in hand...So, this guy was talking about inmate labor and how big corporations profit from inmate labor. It is an incentive to keep prisons filled up, obviously...The guy speaking on the program said that they tried legislation, they tried speaking to the politicians and it doesn't seem to be working so now they're going to target the businesses that support these things. He mentioned Whole Food Markets, which honestly, I was a bit surprised that they indeed do profit because in other states it is the inmate who pick their fruits and vegetables. So, he announced that they would protest and drive customers away from one of their biggest stores in Austin...hit them in their pocket. It is a brilliant tactic and I believe the more people who get involved, the greater the effect. Now how does it apply to the DP ? Simple. People begin to call ALL pharmacies and pharmaceutical companies. You ask a simple question: does your business support the application of the death penalty. If they can't give a clear cut answer, a straight NO you boycott or protest. protest, preferably. You just go from company to company. You call hospitals and doctors and say "This particular company refuses to give a straight forward answer on whether or not its drug are used in the application of executions...Will you continue to support them ?" DRIVE THE MONEY AWAY. I'm sure there are better and sharper minds out there who can expand on this thought, but I'm just putting it out there. It's the money people. It isn't about whether or not the death penalty is moral or not. Hell,I'd even try to talk to people who are so called "Tea Party" members. Ask them how it is a conservative principle to waste so much money ? Show them the empirical evidence that it just flat out costs more money to kill someone than it does to keep them locked up.
We're still on lockdown. Two weeks now. This has been the longest one we've had in a while. Over the weekend there was some kind of water problem and they shut it off temporarily. For twelve building we had it on a few hours later, but I guess the rest of the prison was without. But today I think everything is back to normal because we had showers. They are also allowing us to make a small commissary purchase, not a full spend but 25 dollars worth of stuff to hold us down until the lockdown is over. Better than nothing for sure.
I think that fall has arrived (I keep saying that only to get smacked upside the head the very next day with 90 plus degree temps...Freakin' Texas !) finally. Yesterday was a high of about 77 degrees F and today is just as cool. That being said, we've had some rain and it is very grey outside.
Well, I'm going to get this out and send it to where it needs to go so it can be posted...My friends who run this page asked that you tell others about it and it does mean the world to me that people take the time to read what's on my mind and I couldn't be more grateful for that time and support. It means the world to me that you would spread the word about this FB page. I'm not trying to be famous or popular...I could careless about those things. But to have this outlet and a voice...that means more than you could ever know. Thank you !